Christianity: the Best and Worst thing to happen to me
At one point in my life I would have proudly stood up and shouted, “I am a Christian”! This was before my Christianity fell apart.
Today, I know I still believe in God, but when I think of how my Christianity has played out I have to admit that finding my faith was the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. When I became a Christian I was recovering from some really bad stuff, and this stuff was killing me. Finding Christianity felt like the weight I was carrying on my shoulders was gone. The scripture from Matthew 11:30 came true for me: “My yoke is easy my burden light”.
Fast forward to today: I’m not struggling with the same things I was 8 years ago, but now I struggle with Christianity. I cannot jive my initial “experience” from when I first became a believer with what the Bible teaches. I also cannot pretend that there aren’t hard and horrible things in the Bible, which I cannot accept. I know many Christians who would say by not accepting these I’m creating a “God of my own liking”… I really don’t care if that’s what they think. People can believe what they want if that’s what makes them feel better. Have fun.
The first time I picked up the Bible after I became a believer, it felt like it was alive. I had read it before and never understood it, but at that moment it all made perfect sense to me. I had full confidence the Bible was right and was God’s word to us. I miss those days.
As the years have gone by and I’ve become more educated in what the Bible teaches, I’m left wondering if I will ever be able to accept this book as inerrant again, or if I will have to hold onto a more liberal understanding of it in order to keep it in my life.
Once your eyes are opened to the truth it is hard to turn away, which is why I’m stuck here today. I feel like the God of mainstream Christianity is the truth, but the God of the Bible is not. If I’m to be real with myself then I have to admit that I want Christianity to be true because I’m afraid to imagine a world without it, not because I see what is in the Bible and believe it.
This has by far been the best and worst experience of my life.