What type of love are you looking for?

Lately I have been very into music, obviously country is still my favorite but I have also enjoyed some pop songs too. There is a song that my girls love, it is Ellie Goulding “Love me Like you do”  this is a really nice song and I must say it is funny to hear my girls singing along to it. The first verse in this song describes how someone feels about another person:

You’re the light, you’re the night
You’re the color of my blood
You’re the cure, you’re the pain
You’re the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much


I know many people view love like this, the type where you breath is taken away, where life without that person seems impossible. When you are with this person you are one with them, without them you are not yourself, this is a very romantic view of love and commitment. I think this is the view many people hold myself included I was one of them.

As I have talked about, before love is very complicated it is an emotion that we just don’t fully understand but we all experience in one form or another.

Another way to view love is (in the wise words of Meredith Grey) “I can live without you but I do not want to, I don’t ever want to”  I view this type of love as not someone completing someone else but someone becoming a part of their life, just because they can live without someone does not mean that they should. I feel in this type of love you do not get lost in someone you stay you and they get to enjoy that. This reminds me of another song, The Band Perry “I’m a Keeper”

Blue eyed Susans
Standing in a domino line
Falling in and out of love all the time
They’ll break your heart just to see a boy cry
But not me
I am a brown eyed loner
I march to my own drummer
I’m a piccolo owner and the labor of my mother’s love
Honey you’d be a load off her mind

But with or without you
My only plan is to be free
With or without you
I’m still me


Now I don’t want to say either of these type of love is wrong but what I will say is that I tried giving my whole self to someone and when they left nothing was left so I don’t think I will ever do that again, I fully depended on this person and was devastated when they left.

So as for me well I guess I will take the stance that:

But with or without you
My only plan is to be free
With or without you
I’m still me



Christianity the Best and Worst Thing to Happen to Me.


Christianity: the Best and Worst thing to happen to me

At one point in my life I would have proudly stood up and shouted, “I am a Christian”! This was before my Christianity fell apart.

Today, I know I still believe in God, but when I think of how my Christianity has played out I have to admit that finding my faith was the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. When I became a Christian I was recovering from some really bad stuff, and this stuff was killing me. Finding Christianity felt like the weight I was carrying on my shoulders was gone. The scripture from Matthew 11:30 came true for me: “My yoke is easy my burden light”.

Fast forward to today: I’m not struggling with the same things I was 8 years ago, but now I struggle with Christianity. I cannot jive my initial “experience” from when I first became a believer with what the Bible teaches. I also cannot pretend that there aren’t hard and horrible things in the Bible, which I cannot accept. I know many Christians who would say by not accepting these I’m creating a “God of my own liking”… I really don’t care if that’s what they think. People can believe what they want if that’s what makes them feel better. Have fun.

The first time I picked up the Bible after I became a believer, it felt like it was alive. I had read it before and never understood it, but at that moment it all made perfect sense to me. I had full confidence the Bible was right and was God’s word to us. I miss those days.

As the years have gone by and I’ve  become more educated in what the Bible teaches, I’m left wondering if I will ever be able to accept this book as inerrant again, or if I will have to hold onto a more liberal understanding of it in order to keep it in my life.

Once your eyes are opened to the truth it is hard to turn away, which is why I’m stuck here today. I feel like the God of mainstream Christianity is the truth, but the God of the Bible is not. If I’m to be real with myself then I have to admit that I want Christianity to be true because I’m afraid to imagine a world without it, not because I see what is in the Bible and believe it.

This has by far been the best and worst experience of my life.