Surgery is set

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Hi everyone, I wish I could be writing a happier post but now is not that time. My older daughter has Truncus Arteriosus (to learn more about her and her heart read this post).

Just to give a background, she was diagnosed when she was 7 days old and had her first open heart surgery at 11 days old, this surgery repaired her heart but it was not a permanent fix. The piece they placed in her heart does not grow with her body so naturally, this is what needs to be replaced. She has also had 2 heart Caths.

We usually see her cardiologist every 9 months or so to see how things are going, well we saw him in January and found out that it is time for her to have her replacement. So surgery is scheduled for the end of March, and along with the surgery, she will also have a cath.

Now I know nothing could ever prepare me for this, it’s just one of those things that you never want to happen. I have been in this position before, and with the experience, I know what to expect. I will tell you that no I am not ready for them to take her away from me, I am not ready for the update telling me she is cooled down and ready to go on bypass, I am not ready to hear that she is in fact on bypass. From this point forward I know that until I get the news that her body is warm and her heart is beating again, I will not be able to take a deep breath.

Then once the surgery is over, I have to prepare myself to see my daughter who loves horses and all animals, who is looking forward to her Make a Wish trip to Hawaii and
swimming with dolphins, lying in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her. She is such an amazing girl and to see her so helpless…………words just can’t describe.

What is new this time is that I now have my younger daughter, during this time she cannot get attention from me, she will be away from her mother and best friend, yes I will have family around her to support her, but it can’t be me, and this kills me.

I know once this is over I will be dolphin-heartgrateful to be on the other side of surgery, to know that we are set for a few more years. We will no longer be at the edge of our seat at every cardiology appointment, that I can’t wait for. But as for everything else, it could never happen, and I would be happy…

So if you see me, and I don’t look okay, know that I am not. I am in fact teetering on the edge of a breakdown, I am using all my energy to keep it together. But also know there is nothing that can be done, this is life, this is my life, this is my daughters’ lives, and now this is my Fiance’s life. We will all get through it, and it will hurt like hell, but there will be a brighter side.

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Best Days of Your Life, Divorce update

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I recently came across a song by Kelli Pickler “Best Days of Your Life” and at first I thought it was awesome! It is about a guy regretting leaving a girl and how when he was with her that was already the best days of his life. For anyone who is going through heartbreak this is a great message it helps get you through and realize that the person that left was the one is is now going to miss out.

Right after my ex left one of my friends sent me the above picture and it made me feel great! This is what I needed at the time I needed to believe that he was making a mistake, it was what helped me get through the day.

But I found once that heart break  begins to heal (in my case at least) I have come to the realization that yes my ex left me but he left me for a reason and maybe the best years of his life are still ahead of him (I truly hope so).

We all want to feel vindicated, but that does not mean that we all are. Sometimes love just ends and it isn’t a bad thing it just means that you get to out and find it again!

Divorce update:

So my state motto is “Live Free or Die” and apparently this goes for divorce also! All I am waiting on now is for my ex to sign the papers then we can file and anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months later we will be divorced! No waiting period, no appearance in front of a judge all we have to do is take a parenting class and wait for the judge to sign the papers.

It is a weird feeling to be excited for this all to be over, I think at this point I am just ready to move on and begin my new life. It’s nice living in reality.

I will always look at our marriage fondly but I am now ready to close that book and throw it in the fire! (Just kidding!)