Surgery is set

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Hi everyone, I wish I could be writing a happier post but now is not that time. My older daughter has Truncus Arteriosus (to learn more about her and her heart read this post).

Just to give a background, she was diagnosed when she was 7 days old and had her first open heart surgery at 11 days old, this surgery repaired her heart but it was not a permanent fix. The piece they placed in her heart does not grow with her body so naturally, this is what needs to be replaced. She has also had 2 heart Caths.

We usually see her cardiologist every 9 months or so to see how things are going, well we saw him in January and found out that it is time for her to have her replacement. So surgery is scheduled for the end of March, and along with the surgery, she will also have a cath.

Now I know nothing could ever prepare me for this, it’s just one of those things that you never want to happen. I have been in this position before, and with the experience, I know what to expect. I will tell you that no I am not ready for them to take her away from me, I am not ready for the update telling me she is cooled down and ready to go on bypass, I am not ready to hear that she is in fact on bypass. From this point forward I know that until I get the news that her body is warm and her heart is beating again, I will not be able to take a deep breath.

Then once the surgery is over, I have to prepare myself to see my daughter who loves horses and all animals, who is looking forward to her Make a Wish trip to Hawaii and
swimming with dolphins, lying in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her. She is such an amazing girl and to see her so helpless…………words just can’t describe.

What is new this time is that I now have my younger daughter, during this time she cannot get attention from me, she will be away from her mother and best friend, yes I will have family around her to support her, but it can’t be me, and this kills me.

I know once this is over I will be dolphin-heartgrateful to be on the other side of surgery, to know that we are set for a few more years. We will no longer be at the edge of our seat at every cardiology appointment, that I can’t wait for. But as for everything else, it could never happen, and I would be happy…

So if you see me, and I don’t look okay, know that I am not. I am in fact teetering on the edge of a breakdown, I am using all my energy to keep it together. But also know there is nothing that can be done, this is life, this is my life, this is my daughters’ lives, and now this is my Fiance’s life. We will all get through it, and it will hurt like hell, but there will be a brighter side.

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Finding love

About 2 years ago my life was just being put back together, I was coming out of the darkness that my divorce caused. By the end of January of that year I was healed and ready to move on. Now, this did not mean I was ready to date, but it did mean I was ready to live my life, so one weekend when my children were with their dad, I called up an old friend. Now calling this person a friend is using the term loosely, the connection is hard but give me a minute to explain this…

Okay so this person is Aaron

My ex-mother-in-law was in her 4th marriage when I got married, she married a man named Dale and Dale has triplets that are my age and a younger child (who I think is 5 years younger) so for a time Dale’s children were my step siblings in-laws.

When I was pregnant with Faith, Dale’s daughter (one of the triplets) began dating Aaron. I actually met him for the first time when I was 36 weeks expecting!

They dated for about 4 years and broke up when Becky was around 1, in this time we would talk and were friendly but nothing more (we were both in love and in committed

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Faith playing with Uncle Aaron

relationships) Faith actually called him Uncle Aaron!

 

Fast forward 2 years and I was at a gas station filling up when I saw someone I recognized at another pump, it was Aaron. Now, my looks had changed since he had last seen me, the baby weight was gone and really he only knew me when I was either pregnant or postpartum. I was excited to see him after so long so I went over and he didn’t even recognize me! We talked and I invited him to dinner so we all (myself, my ex-husband and himself) could catch up. This dinner never happened and in retrospect, it’s probably a good thing 😉 .

Now fast forward another 2 years I knew he was living in the area and really I just wanted to go out one night. I called him to see if he was available and we talked for 2 hours and decided to meet that weekend for “a girls night out”. Well, to say the least, that night did not turn out to be a girls night out it was in fact, our first date. From there, our relationship slowly grew (of course we began dating right before my ex-husband took his 1st month long hiatus) so we had to take things slow. The beginning was hard and I relied on family and friends to watch the girls for me so we could see each other, and in this first month, I think we saw each other a whopping 3 times!!

But regardless of the time, we spent together our relationship continued to grow and then the weekend of Mother’s day 2015 he met the girls for the first time!

Since that point, things have just gone up and this past September he proposed and I said yes!!

The wedding is scheduled for June and we are all so happy, the girls love him and so do I. I am thankful that he is in our life and am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

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Way too long…..

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Okay, I know it has been a year since I last posted but life has been crazy…GOOD!. I am happy to say that the new relationship I discussed in some of my previous posts has progressed and I am getting married! I am also back in school and have completed 2 semesters and am starting my third one in a few weeks. My girls are doing great and really there are not many complaints.

So if anyone if still out there I am sorry and will try my best to post at least once a week (no promises though)

Up next: Finding love again

Bittersweet

Okay I am sorry I know it has been a LONG time since I have written. If has been soooo busy but also SO good! The guy I talked about a few months back well we are still together and I am fully in love with  him! We have been seeing each other for 8 months now and it (and he) is just awesome.

Any way, so October is now upon us which means that on the 14th will come (what would have been) my 9th anniversary. The emotions for this day are so mixed, I am sad that the life I had planned is over but at the same time I am happy because since that life ended I have been able to live an even better one. These emotions are even more complicated since I am in a loving relationship, I actually felt bad about feeling upset about this day. My train of thought was that since I am in love then it should not bother me that my marriage ended. But then I realized that with or without this relationship these emotions would exist, I am mourning a life and a family that I thought would last forever.

As the day gets closer (this Wednesday) I am wondering what it will feel like, I know that it will be on my mind but I have to wonder will he be thinking about our marriage or even sad that it all ended. We did create a family and we did promise forever and we failed with that promise.

Things between us have not been good, we can’t even talk on the phone lately without tempers rising, it makes me wonder how we once were so happy and this day is a big reminder of it.

I can say today I am happy for the marriage and the divorce, funny thing is my current relationship would not have been possible if I was not married to my ex, I wouldn’t have ever known my boyfriend without my ex. But being happy for the divorce does not mean that there are no regrets, I WAS in love with him (or at least I thought I was) and he was the one I wanted to grow old with. That loss exists and is real. Words cannot make sense of this because again I am happy he is out of my life in this way and would not change it, but there was a life that I left behind and an identity that was left behind also and this is what I believe I am grieving, not him. I married young (next post 😉 ) and do not regret it, I also divorced young and again do not regret it.

This Wednesday I am going out to dinner with my maid of honor and in her words “we are going to celebrate that this day is no longer your anniversary!” I think this is a perfect way to celebrate this day as an unanniversary!!!!

Have a great week! 🙂

What type of love are you looking for?

Lately I have been very into music, obviously country is still my favorite but I have also enjoyed some pop songs too. There is a song that my girls love, it is Ellie Goulding “Love me Like you do”  this is a really nice song and I must say it is funny to hear my girls singing along to it. The first verse in this song describes how someone feels about another person:

You’re the light, you’re the night
You’re the color of my blood
You’re the cure, you’re the pain
You’re the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

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I know many people view love like this, the type where you breath is taken away, where life without that person seems impossible. When you are with this person you are one with them, without them you are not yourself, this is a very romantic view of love and commitment. I think this is the view many people hold myself included I was one of them.

As I have talked about, before love is very complicated it is an emotion that we just don’t fully understand but we all experience in one form or another.

Another way to view love is (in the wise words of Meredith Grey) “I can live without you but I do not want to, I don’t ever want to”  I view this type of love as not someone completing someone else but someone becoming a part of their life, just because they can live without someone does not mean that they should. I feel in this type of love you do not get lost in someone you stay you and they get to enjoy that. This reminds me of another song, The Band Perry “I’m a Keeper”

Blue eyed Susans
Standing in a domino line
Falling in and out of love all the time
They’ll break your heart just to see a boy cry
But not me
I am a brown eyed loner
I march to my own drummer
I’m a piccolo owner and the labor of my mother’s love
Honey you’d be a load off her mind

But with or without you
My only plan is to be free
With or without you
I’m still me

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Now I don’t want to say either of these type of love is wrong but what I will say is that I tried giving my whole self to someone and when they left nothing was left so I don’t think I will ever do that again, I fully depended on this person and was devastated when they left.

So as for me well I guess I will take the stance that:

But with or without you
My only plan is to be free
With or without you
I’m still me

Am 

Love

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What is love? Can someone fall in love to just fall out? These are all questions I have wondered about (honestly I think we have all thought these at one point or another)

About a month ago I came across an article that said if you sit down with someone and answer 36 questions then stare into the persons eyes for 4 minutes you will fall in love. I find this so intriguing because I used to feel strongly that love is a choice that is made daily and the questions that are asked can be very intimate. Now it makes me wonder what is it about these questions that helps people feel connected to one another?

I wish I knew someone that tried this! I just want to know if it actually works, can love really be that simple?

I am in a relationship with a great guy, we have been seeing each other for about 3 months now and I must say that I am falling for him (I may have already fallen 😉  ) The more I talk to him and get to know him the more I want to spend time with him, is this what the questions do? Do they help you to get to know someone but quicker?

I have to admit out of pure curiosity I have been tempted to ask him to do the questions with me, but then reasoning kicks in and I won’t ask him because I don’t want him to think I’m crazy! But still love is such a weird emotion that we have all experienced, and there are even different types of love. The way I love my girls is very different than the way I love my best friend and different from the way that I loved my ex. Even with all these different types of love it is still such an intimate emotion that can either make our better and help us feel like we are on top of the world or it can destroy us. That right there shows it power.

A recent study was done on college students who admitted that they were in love, and the results show that when in love certain parts of the brain light up and have increased activity. They also did a study at the same time to see what type of reactions that brain has to lust and it was found that love and lust do not activate the same part of the brain! So love and lust are not the same thing. They also studied people who were in love but the love was not mutual and parts of the brain that are associated with physical pain were lit up, this helps explain why love can hurt so bad.

So we can now see love in people’s brains but we still don’t understand the why, I think this is a question that will always have a question mark at the end of it. We don’t know why we love all we know is that we all love to love!!

Here is the link to the 36 questions:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?_r=0

And here is a CNN link describing the study and the results:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/02/14/love.science/

Oh yeah Happy Easter!!giphy

Even better than a date

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So I have a dog, now by this I mean a very small dog. In fact my dog is smaller than my cat. He name is Oscar, now when my ex was 16 he got Oscar as a Christmas gift (we were together then) so Oscar has been in my life for a long time now. When my ex left I told him I wanted to keep Oscar and he agreed that it was a good idea.

This is one of the best decisions I have made!  There is nothing like the love that a dog shows you to make you feel better (plus its nice to not have to sleep alone!) When I am stressed having him just lying next to me is so calming. He has been through so much with me, I can confidently say that right now he is my main man!

To give you a comparison here is a picture of my cat:

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