Surgery is set

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Hi everyone, I wish I could be writing a happier post but now is not that time. My older daughter has Truncus Arteriosus (to learn more about her and her heart read this post).

Just to give a background, she was diagnosed when she was 7 days old and had her first open heart surgery at 11 days old, this surgery repaired her heart but it was not a permanent fix. The piece they placed in her heart does not grow with her body so naturally, this is what needs to be replaced. She has also had 2 heart Caths.

We usually see her cardiologist every 9 months or so to see how things are going, well we saw him in January and found out that it is time for her to have her replacement. So surgery is scheduled for the end of March, and along with the surgery, she will also have a cath.

Now I know nothing could ever prepare me for this, it’s just one of those things that you never want to happen. I have been in this position before, and with the experience, I know what to expect. I will tell you that no I am not ready for them to take her away from me, I am not ready for the update telling me she is cooled down and ready to go on bypass, I am not ready to hear that she is in fact on bypass. From this point forward I know that until I get the news that her body is warm and her heart is beating again, I will not be able to take a deep breath.

Then once the surgery is over, I have to prepare myself to see my daughter who loves horses and all animals, who is looking forward to her Make a Wish trip to Hawaii and
swimming with dolphins, lying in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her. She is such an amazing girl and to see her so helpless…………words just can’t describe.

What is new this time is that I now have my younger daughter, during this time she cannot get attention from me, she will be away from her mother and best friend, yes I will have family around her to support her, but it can’t be me, and this kills me.

I know once this is over I will be dolphin-heartgrateful to be on the other side of surgery, to know that we are set for a few more years. We will no longer be at the edge of our seat at every cardiology appointment, that I can’t wait for. But as for everything else, it could never happen, and I would be happy…

So if you see me, and I don’t look okay, know that I am not. I am in fact teetering on the edge of a breakdown, I am using all my energy to keep it together. But also know there is nothing that can be done, this is life, this is my life, this is my daughters’ lives, and now this is my Fiance’s life. We will all get through it, and it will hurt like hell, but there will be a brighter side.

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Way too long…..

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Okay, I know it has been a year since I last posted but life has been crazy…GOOD!. I am happy to say that the new relationship I discussed in some of my previous posts has progressed and I am getting married! I am also back in school and have completed 2 semesters and am starting my third one in a few weeks. My girls are doing great and really there are not many complaints.

So if anyone if still out there I am sorry and will try my best to post at least once a week (no promises though)

Up next: Finding love again

Reality

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Okay so  I will start with the good news I got a job and started on Friday! It feels so nice to be back at work even with it being the busiest time of the year for a florist!

Now reality still continues on and me and my ex were getting along great until yesterday at pick up, see we have disagreements on where the girls should go to school I think they should stay in their Charter School while he thinks that I should move them to the public school of the town I will be living in next year. I am not going to get into what went down, just state that I was so pissed off and it felt awesome!! See I was the type of wife that would let anything go by. If we were arguing no matter what was said I stayed quiet and very reserved.

I learned this from a book that was given to me by my ex (go figure)called  “The Excellent Wife” here is an excerpt from the book:

“Probably the most helpful thing you can do is ask your husband to hold you accountable for showing respect to him. If he agrees, he would, then, point out your disrespectful words, tone or countenance. …How willing you are to let your husband help you in this way will reflect your level of maturity and commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ.” (p. 109, 111)

Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2010/02/the-god-card-thoughts-from-the-excellent-wife/#ixzz3RI8qVBJh

So I didn’t talk back even when I knew he was wrong I would let the argument end and knew that an apology would eventually come and when it did I accepted it. See to this day I am still unsure where I stand with Christianity, I could accept it easily if the Bible did not exist or even if I did not have the knowledge of the Bible that I have. Another road block for Christianity is while I was in it I lost myself. I became this shell of a women that today I could never go back to.

Hell once I thought “what would I do if he (my ex) ever left me?” and my answer to that was to stay single because that is what the Bible would tell me to do! So even if he divorced me I would never remarry I would forever be committed to him even if he was not to me. Now here is the scripture that I used to support this decision:

2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.
6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’
7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this.
11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.
12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”]
So according to the Bible my thoughts weren’t that far off. See this is my problem with Christianity I know to much. I have studied the Bible to much and just can’t make it jive with my life.
So during the disagreement it felt really good to get mad and even talk back! I think after that experience I might be moving further away from Christianity.
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6 Weeks Ago

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6 weeks ago, I was just getting home from Disney and I realized that my marriage was over. I have never felt grief like that in my life, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried like I have never cried before, I sobbed and kicked and punched things, pulled my hair, anything to make the pain a little more bearable. He came in to comfort me and I pushed him away as he was telling me it was all going to be okay, I told him it was not okay because he didn’t love me anymore and I meant it. He held me as I cried and I both hated it and loved it at the same time, he was the reason I was in pain but he was also the person that I loved and wanted to be with.

This grief I have never experienced before, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. My entire world, my past present and future all crumbled, all of my hopes and dreams disappeared 6 weeks ago.

Today I cannot believe where I was 6 weeks ago, today I am a women that I never thought I could be. I am able to children-relocating-and-divorce-300x207laugh and go out with friends rediscover what it means to have fun and what it means to be me. The only time I have cried is when I see the pain in one of my kids eyes when my daughter tells me that she just wishes “you and daddy could stay married”. It is in these moments that I see this divorce is more painful for them than it was for me, I am able to move on and find life but they forever have to mourn the loss of their family.

But nonetheless I solider on and everyday gets better, this week I have a working interview, which means I most likely have the job! I do not need him to survive, to breath; all I need is me.

I gave him everything, all of me and when he left it felt like he took that all with him but today I realize that’s okay. The person he took with him wouldn’t of had the strength to get through this, that person would still be broken on the floor. Now I will never thank him for this because I was happy and ignorance is bliss. I would have been happy living the rest of my life with him. But since he left life has not gotten worse it has only gotten better, and that is because of me.

6 weeks ago I would of done anything to make him stay, today I don’t want him back and even if he wanted to come back I would tell him no.

6 weeks ago my world crumbled, but piece by piece I have rebuilt it and it is better than anything I could of ever imagined!

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Divorce and Co-Parenting

Remember the kidsOkay, well the title of this blog no longer applies to my life, I am no longer a housewife. I am just a unemployed stay at home mom that is looking for work. My husband and I are going through divorce, now this decision did not come easy for me. For weeks I fought it and begged for another way, I thought that I could make my husband fall in love with me again and I tried everything, none of which worked.

As the weeks have gone on I have come to accept the reality that I live in, my marriage is over and the awesome family that I once had is now broken. Now my husband and I are getting along and I have no doubt that we will be awesome co-parents, we both love our girls and have a mutual respect for each other and that goes a long way. There is one thing that I have to do to keep this relationship working though, I have to put aside the love that I still have for my husband in order to be a good mom.

What I mean by this is that in order to parent my girls in the best way I need to put my emotions on hold, right now I need to be strong and to have a clear head. Life didn’t turn out the way that I thought it would but I know in the end I will be okay and my girls will be okay to. For me I think it will just take some time, every day gets a little easier. So for now my next step is saying bye to the awesome family of four that we were and saying hi to the awesome family of three that I am now part of.

Christianity the Best and Worst Thing to Happen to Me.

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Christianity: the Best and Worst thing to happen to me

At one point in my life I would have proudly stood up and shouted, “I am a Christian”! This was before my Christianity fell apart.

Today, I know I still believe in God, but when I think of how my Christianity has played out I have to admit that finding my faith was the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. When I became a Christian I was recovering from some really bad stuff, and this stuff was killing me. Finding Christianity felt like the weight I was carrying on my shoulders was gone. The scripture from Matthew 11:30 came true for me: “My yoke is easy my burden light”.

Fast forward to today: I’m not struggling with the same things I was 8 years ago, but now I struggle with Christianity. I cannot jive my initial “experience” from when I first became a believer with what the Bible teaches. I also cannot pretend that there aren’t hard and horrible things in the Bible, which I cannot accept. I know many Christians who would say by not accepting these I’m creating a “God of my own liking”… I really don’t care if that’s what they think. People can believe what they want if that’s what makes them feel better. Have fun.

The first time I picked up the Bible after I became a believer, it felt like it was alive. I had read it before and never understood it, but at that moment it all made perfect sense to me. I had full confidence the Bible was right and was God’s word to us. I miss those days.

As the years have gone by and I’ve  become more educated in what the Bible teaches, I’m left wondering if I will ever be able to accept this book as inerrant again, or if I will have to hold onto a more liberal understanding of it in order to keep it in my life.

Once your eyes are opened to the truth it is hard to turn away, which is why I’m stuck here today. I feel like the God of mainstream Christianity is the truth, but the God of the Bible is not. If I’m to be real with myself then I have to admit that I want Christianity to be true because I’m afraid to imagine a world without it, not because I see what is in the Bible and believe it.

This has by far been the best and worst experience of my life.