Divorce and Co-Parenting

Remember the kidsOkay, well the title of this blog no longer applies to my life, I am no longer a housewife. I am just a unemployed stay at home mom that is looking for work. My husband and I are going through divorce, now this decision did not come easy for me. For weeks I fought it and begged for another way, I thought that I could make my husband fall in love with me again and I tried everything, none of which worked.

As the weeks have gone on I have come to accept the reality that I live in, my marriage is over and the awesome family that I once had is now broken. Now my husband and I are getting along and I have no doubt that we will be awesome co-parents, we both love our girls and have a mutual respect for each other and that goes a long way. There is one thing that I have to do to keep this relationship working though, I have to put aside the love that I still have for my husband in order to be a good mom.

What I mean by this is that in order to parent my girls in the best way I need to put my emotions on hold, right now I need to be strong and to have a clear head. Life didn’t turn out the way that I thought it would but I know in the end I will be okay and my girls will be okay to. For me I think it will just take some time, every day gets a little easier. So for now my next step is saying bye to the awesome family of four that we were and saying hi to the awesome family of three that I am now part of.

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Perfect Housewife?

Okay so what is the definition of a perfect housewife? Is it the women you see in the grocery store that looks like she never had a child even thoImageugh she has 3 with her? Is it the mom who is at every drop off an pick up of her child and there on time? Or is it the mom who cooks, cleans and puts all of her families needs in front of her own? I recently came across an article about how mother’s today are on average heavier than they were 50 years ago. Now I think this is fair because as a country in whole we have gotten bigger, why then would it be any different for mothers? My problem with this is that moms whether stay at home or working are under a huge amount of pressure. My best friend is an awesome mom she loves her children so much and she is also working, not just any work she is the bread winner for her family and is out of the house for about 10 hours a day. But like I said she is an awesome mom. For her and her family it made sense for her to go back to work after having children. Now me, I am a stay at home mom, as I mentioned in my about me I came into this role accidentally, my oldest daughter (Faith) was born with a heart defect and a suppressed immune system so daycare could of happened but for us we were able to work out our finances so that I could stay home. Since then we have had another little girl (Becky) I have been home now for 5 years and it has worked for my family. I am not the most disciplined mother and my goal for my kids is to raise them so they don’t  have to recover from me! But I try my hardest to meet the “perfect housewife” standard, and it is exhausting.

When I was in Calvinism I read a book called “The Excellent Wife” (not recommended) in this book it had suggestions on how to be the perfect wife. One of these suggestions was that a wife should always be put together for her husband, so makeup on and nice

clothes all the time. Also you should be able to take care of dinner and just let you husband relax after work, the bestNot-had-sex-in-a-while (sarcasm) was when I was told I should never deny my husband sex even if I was sick! If he wanted sex not being in the mood was not a good reason to say no. I am sure now you can see why this is not a recommended book, well being the “perfect” Calvinist I decided that I needed to follow these instructions in order to make my husband happy (thankfully he was disgusted about the sex one if I did want it he didn’t want to make me). Well this lasted all of 3 weeks before I finally threw in the towel, I realized that my husband did not care how clean the house was or if I was made up. What he wanted was for me to be happy and for our family to work.

I recently started watching Mad Men (thanks Netflix!) and I am surprised at how far housewives and women in general have come sine the 1960’s, however we today are still scrutinized more than men. We have to be prefect little girls, then polite teenagers, then respectable young women so we can get a man, then we have to be the prefect wife and maybe mother. We might get more respect today but the expectations are still the same, so what if my kids watch T.V.? I know what all the studies say about media but the people who hold these studies do not see what my house is like. I think people need to back off and just let wives and mothers BE, imagine a world where that was okay, I think we would have some pretty happy women.