God Are You There?

Image It has been about 5 years since my world fell apart around me. Let me explain: When I was 18 years old I was “saved” before this I attended Catholic schools and knew about God but never experienced him. Soon after this I was engaged to my then boyfriend (and now husband) and was forced to leave my parents’ house because I left Catholicism and was going too baptized again through my new church. These days were the scariest and the most exciting days of my life.

Soon after my husband and I were married we began to attend church, first it was an Oneness Pentecostal we were only there a few months before we saw how wrong their doctrine was. After this church we stayed out for a while again life got good, we got pregnant and had a baby.However this baby was not healthy, my daughter was born full term and had a regular birth we named her Faith. After 2 days in the hospital we were both released, it wasn’t until she was 1 week old I began to notice something was wrong. One night she was on her changing table and I thought she was breathing fast. She had a doctor’s appointment the next day so I figured I would just bring it up then. Well the next day came and my father and I went to the pediatrician. When we arrived at his office they put us right in a room then the doctor came in. He checked her weight and was ready to send her on our way then I asked him how a newborn breathes. This question took him by surprise and he decided to check her heart beat, it was then my life changed. He heard a murmur and we were sent to a cardiologist. 3 hours later we left the cardiologist with a diagnose Truncus Arteriosus type 2, just 1 week before we had named her Faith.

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She had her repair when she was 11 days old and it was my faith that carried me through that time. I knew God was there and no matter what happened she would be fine, 7 days after her surgery she was still in heart block and we were facing another surgery to put a permanent pacer into her body, that night I hung my head over her crib and just prayed that God would let us skip this surgery that I could not bear to hand my child over again so soon. That night they scheduled her surgery for Monday; it was Saturday. The next morning we went to the hospital and immediately looked at her heart rate and to my amazement she was doing some beats on her own!! As the day went on her heart got stronger and by night they had canceled her surgery, and she was sent home 3 days later.

When Faith was 4 months old she had a Heart Cath done to help her heart function better, it was successful. It was right after this my husband and I stepped into church again, this time a regular Pentecostal. While there my husband was even studying to become a minister, it was while he was in these classes we realized just what Arminianism was, this was hard for us. We did not agree with the doctrine and did not think it lined up with the Bible, so we left. However we felt that church was still where we need to be so we went to the next extreme, Calvinism. Life in Calvinism was worse than life in Arminianism, still my husband was studying to become a minister and he was well on his way there. We accepted this theology with open arms until the day we started to think; I wondered does God really decide who goes to hell and who goes to heaven? And if so how do I know that I am safe or that my daughter is safe? What if we weren’t elected? These beliefs ripped my faith into shreds.

Today I am finally on the mend; I have not regularly been to a church since then and have no desire to. I know that I am a Christian but I do not know if my Christianity will be accepted among others. Today I stand knowing that I am loved by God and my family is loved by God (by the way my husband left wanting to be a minister behind and is now in business) Today I live my life and hope that God is there with me I do not feel him like I did in the beginning but I also know not to expect that. There still are those days that I do wonder; God are you there?

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