New Year

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I know for a lot of people 2016 was a hard year, even looking at the news we were surrounded by tragedy there was the Flint Michigan water crisis, (which is still going on) the Zika outbreak which caused Olympians to not compete in the games, the Ecuadorian earthquake and lets not forget Donald Trump trumpbecoming President Elect.

For me this year was awesome! It was officially the first year in 8 that I was not married (I was separated at the end of 2014, and the divorce was not final until 3/2015) and also the year that I would say goodbye to single life!!!

I know that I will look at these years and I will always look fondly at them, it was at this time that I realized just how much I can do. I saw that I am so much more than a wife and mom, I am a woman that has goals, and that has fought through adversity and won. I returned to school and got a new job that will help give me experience that will be vital once my degree is obtained.

I became comfortable with being a 20 something that was divorced and has 2 kids. A funny story with this actually had to do with my high school reunion. I was talking to a classmate and showed her a picture of the girls Aaron was with me, and after she had looked at the pictures, she gave me a concerned expression and said: ” I see you in them but no offense I do not see you (pointing at Aaron) at all.” You can imagine what our reaction was we both looked at each other and laughed! Then I replied “well that’s a good thing cause their not his! I have been married, had kids and divorced in 10 years, what have you been up to?”

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This has been a remarkable year, right now on my tree I have an ornament that is of three snowmen on a sleigh. I got this once my ex left, and it has three names, Mommy, Faith, and Becky. I will never get rid of this, and I am sure it will always hang on my tree, but next year I look forward to hanging another one (maybe right beside it) that has 4 (or maybe 5 😉 ) names on it. 🙂

 

Happy New year I hope your 2017 is extraordinary!!!!!

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Bittersweet

Okay I am sorry I know it has been a LONG time since I have written. If has been soooo busy but also SO good! The guy I talked about a few months back well we are still together and I am fully in love with  him! We have been seeing each other for 8 months now and it (and he) is just awesome.

Any way, so October is now upon us which means that on the 14th will come (what would have been) my 9th anniversary. The emotions for this day are so mixed, I am sad that the life I had planned is over but at the same time I am happy because since that life ended I have been able to live an even better one. These emotions are even more complicated since I am in a loving relationship, I actually felt bad about feeling upset about this day. My train of thought was that since I am in love then it should not bother me that my marriage ended. But then I realized that with or without this relationship these emotions would exist, I am mourning a life and a family that I thought would last forever.

As the day gets closer (this Wednesday) I am wondering what it will feel like, I know that it will be on my mind but I have to wonder will he be thinking about our marriage or even sad that it all ended. We did create a family and we did promise forever and we failed with that promise.

Things between us have not been good, we can’t even talk on the phone lately without tempers rising, it makes me wonder how we once were so happy and this day is a big reminder of it.

I can say today I am happy for the marriage and the divorce, funny thing is my current relationship would not have been possible if I was not married to my ex, I wouldn’t have ever known my boyfriend without my ex. But being happy for the divorce does not mean that there are no regrets, I WAS in love with him (or at least I thought I was) and he was the one I wanted to grow old with. That loss exists and is real. Words cannot make sense of this because again I am happy he is out of my life in this way and would not change it, but there was a life that I left behind and an identity that was left behind also and this is what I believe I am grieving, not him. I married young (next post 😉 ) and do not regret it, I also divorced young and again do not regret it.

This Wednesday I am going out to dinner with my maid of honor and in her words “we are going to celebrate that this day is no longer your anniversary!” I think this is a perfect way to celebrate this day as an unanniversary!!!!

Have a great week! 🙂

Reality

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Okay so  I will start with the good news I got a job and started on Friday! It feels so nice to be back at work even with it being the busiest time of the year for a florist!

Now reality still continues on and me and my ex were getting along great until yesterday at pick up, see we have disagreements on where the girls should go to school I think they should stay in their Charter School while he thinks that I should move them to the public school of the town I will be living in next year. I am not going to get into what went down, just state that I was so pissed off and it felt awesome!! See I was the type of wife that would let anything go by. If we were arguing no matter what was said I stayed quiet and very reserved.

I learned this from a book that was given to me by my ex (go figure)called  “The Excellent Wife” here is an excerpt from the book:

“Probably the most helpful thing you can do is ask your husband to hold you accountable for showing respect to him. If he agrees, he would, then, point out your disrespectful words, tone or countenance. …How willing you are to let your husband help you in this way will reflect your level of maturity and commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ.” (p. 109, 111)

Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2010/02/the-god-card-thoughts-from-the-excellent-wife/#ixzz3RI8qVBJh

So I didn’t talk back even when I knew he was wrong I would let the argument end and knew that an apology would eventually come and when it did I accepted it. See to this day I am still unsure where I stand with Christianity, I could accept it easily if the Bible did not exist or even if I did not have the knowledge of the Bible that I have. Another road block for Christianity is while I was in it I lost myself. I became this shell of a women that today I could never go back to.

Hell once I thought “what would I do if he (my ex) ever left me?” and my answer to that was to stay single because that is what the Bible would tell me to do! So even if he divorced me I would never remarry I would forever be committed to him even if he was not to me. Now here is the scripture that I used to support this decision:

2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.
6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’
7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this.
11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.
12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”]
So according to the Bible my thoughts weren’t that far off. See this is my problem with Christianity I know to much. I have studied the Bible to much and just can’t make it jive with my life.
So during the disagreement it felt really good to get mad and even talk back! I think after that experience I might be moving further away from Christianity.
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Best Days of Your Life, Divorce update

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I recently came across a song by Kelli Pickler “Best Days of Your Life” and at first I thought it was awesome! It is about a guy regretting leaving a girl and how when he was with her that was already the best days of his life. For anyone who is going through heartbreak this is a great message it helps get you through and realize that the person that left was the one is is now going to miss out.

Right after my ex left one of my friends sent me the above picture and it made me feel great! This is what I needed at the time I needed to believe that he was making a mistake, it was what helped me get through the day.

But I found once that heart break  begins to heal (in my case at least) I have come to the realization that yes my ex left me but he left me for a reason and maybe the best years of his life are still ahead of him (I truly hope so).

We all want to feel vindicated, but that does not mean that we all are. Sometimes love just ends and it isn’t a bad thing it just means that you get to out and find it again!

Divorce update:

So my state motto is “Live Free or Die” and apparently this goes for divorce also! All I am waiting on now is for my ex to sign the papers then we can file and anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months later we will be divorced! No waiting period, no appearance in front of a judge all we have to do is take a parenting class and wait for the judge to sign the papers.

It is a weird feeling to be excited for this all to be over, I think at this point I am just ready to move on and begin my new life. It’s nice living in reality.

I will always look at our marriage fondly but I am now ready to close that book and throw it in the fire! (Just kidding!)

I can do this, I swear!

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Okay so I am lucky enough to live in one of the northeast states that is going to be hit with the blizzard tonight through Wednesday. I grew up here, I really don’t mind snow. To me winter without snow just isn’t right. Also living where I do we loose power A LOT I have learned how to manage my house with no electricity and with no heat. This is the first big storm that I will be handling as a single mom, and trust me I got this!

I have had two men in my life already telling me what they think I should do, now thank you very much for your opinion but I promise you I am trying to do whats best for my kids and they will be fine. I understand that in your eyes I have not taken care of myself alone yet that I have always had someone else to lean on, well you need to understand that, that is no longer an option for me and I have not crumbled. I know what a blizzard is I have grown up here I know the roads will be closed I know we might loose power but what I also know is by Thursday latest I will be able to get out. The roads will be clear; hell, Faith will probably be back in school by then!

So please trust me when I say I got this.

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6 Weeks Ago

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6 weeks ago, I was just getting home from Disney and I realized that my marriage was over. I have never felt grief like that in my life, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried like I have never cried before, I sobbed and kicked and punched things, pulled my hair, anything to make the pain a little more bearable. He came in to comfort me and I pushed him away as he was telling me it was all going to be okay, I told him it was not okay because he didn’t love me anymore and I meant it. He held me as I cried and I both hated it and loved it at the same time, he was the reason I was in pain but he was also the person that I loved and wanted to be with.

This grief I have never experienced before, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. My entire world, my past present and future all crumbled, all of my hopes and dreams disappeared 6 weeks ago.

Today I cannot believe where I was 6 weeks ago, today I am a women that I never thought I could be. I am able to children-relocating-and-divorce-300x207laugh and go out with friends rediscover what it means to have fun and what it means to be me. The only time I have cried is when I see the pain in one of my kids eyes when my daughter tells me that she just wishes “you and daddy could stay married”. It is in these moments that I see this divorce is more painful for them than it was for me, I am able to move on and find life but they forever have to mourn the loss of their family.

But nonetheless I solider on and everyday gets better, this week I have a working interview, which means I most likely have the job! I do not need him to survive, to breath; all I need is me.

I gave him everything, all of me and when he left it felt like he took that all with him but today I realize that’s okay. The person he took with him wouldn’t of had the strength to get through this, that person would still be broken on the floor. Now I will never thank him for this because I was happy and ignorance is bliss. I would have been happy living the rest of my life with him. But since he left life has not gotten worse it has only gotten better, and that is because of me.

6 weeks ago I would of done anything to make him stay, today I don’t want him back and even if he wanted to come back I would tell him no.

6 weeks ago my world crumbled, but piece by piece I have rebuilt it and it is better than anything I could of ever imagined!

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Getting a little bit Stronger

Okay so in short this whole process is a roller coaster ride! Well actually more like the Tower of Terror with a nice rise and a dramatic drop, today was an awesome day!! I woke up and was happy as the day went on I did get a little discouraged because I found out the job I have been offered would require me to work a 4 pm to 8 pm shift which means I would only see Faith before school. I was not happy about this, so I went out and applied for some more jobs. Now on my way to fill out an application somewhere I drove past a floral shop that actually had a sign out front “Now hiring part time Floral Designer” Okay, for me this is exactly what I was looking for and I had an extra resume on hand!!!

So after I applied for the original job I stopped by the floral shop, now in a few months I will be moving and this shop is literally 2 minutes from my new house. I went in and the owner wasn’t there but I talked to the lead florist, gave him my resume and he told me to call tomorrow to follow up. Now I am nervous because I do have experience in floral design but not as much as some other people, I am damn good at making arrangements and I think if I can land an interview that I can get the job.  Here are some examples of my work:

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I would love to get a job that I can put my children to bed at night, it is a hard transition going from a stay at home mom of 6 years to a working mom and student. I am also venturing outside of Floral Design (because there are so few jobs available) and am trying to get into a bank teller position. The hours for this are better and the pay is decent, it will be more of a drive but at this point I could care less!

Once I got down from the high of applying for 3 really good jobs I had to deal with the fact that I am still alone. Now I know today that even if my ex was to tell me he wanted to work it out I would say no. In just the last 6 weeks I have turned into a women that I never knew existed, so when I say I am lonely I just mean that I miss having a connection with someone. When I come home at night it is just me and the girls and there is no one to talk about my day. I wish I could come home and tell someone how awesome of a day I had! I know in time this will get better, I am in a adjustment period and lets face it I have very little adult interaction in my day to day life. I think once I get a job that will help.

I would not wish divorce on anyone but in my case things are looking up and it feels really good to see that!

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