Bittersweet

Okay I am sorry I know it has been a LONG time since I have written. If has been soooo busy but also SO good! The guy I talked about a few months back well we are still together and I am fully in love with  him! We have been seeing each other for 8 months now and it (and he) is just awesome.

Any way, so October is now upon us which means that on the 14th will come (what would have been) my 9th anniversary. The emotions for this day are so mixed, I am sad that the life I had planned is over but at the same time I am happy because since that life ended I have been able to live an even better one. These emotions are even more complicated since I am in a loving relationship, I actually felt bad about feeling upset about this day. My train of thought was that since I am in love then it should not bother me that my marriage ended. But then I realized that with or without this relationship these emotions would exist, I am mourning a life and a family that I thought would last forever.

As the day gets closer (this Wednesday) I am wondering what it will feel like, I know that it will be on my mind but I have to wonder will he be thinking about our marriage or even sad that it all ended. We did create a family and we did promise forever and we failed with that promise.

Things between us have not been good, we can’t even talk on the phone lately without tempers rising, it makes me wonder how we once were so happy and this day is a big reminder of it.

I can say today I am happy for the marriage and the divorce, funny thing is my current relationship would not have been possible if I was not married to my ex, I wouldn’t have ever known my boyfriend without my ex. But being happy for the divorce does not mean that there are no regrets, I WAS in love with him (or at least I thought I was) and he was the one I wanted to grow old with. That loss exists and is real. Words cannot make sense of this because again I am happy he is out of my life in this way and would not change it, but there was a life that I left behind and an identity that was left behind also and this is what I believe I am grieving, not him. I married young (next post 😉 ) and do not regret it, I also divorced young and again do not regret it.

This Wednesday I am going out to dinner with my maid of honor and in her words “we are going to celebrate that this day is no longer your anniversary!” I think this is a perfect way to celebrate this day as an unanniversary!!!!

Have a great week! 🙂

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What type of love are you looking for?

Lately I have been very into music, obviously country is still my favorite but I have also enjoyed some pop songs too. There is a song that my girls love, it is Ellie Goulding “Love me Like you do”  this is a really nice song and I must say it is funny to hear my girls singing along to it. The first verse in this song describes how someone feels about another person:

You’re the light, you’re the night
You’re the color of my blood
You’re the cure, you’re the pain
You’re the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

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I know many people view love like this, the type where you breath is taken away, where life without that person seems impossible. When you are with this person you are one with them, without them you are not yourself, this is a very romantic view of love and commitment. I think this is the view many people hold myself included I was one of them.

As I have talked about, before love is very complicated it is an emotion that we just don’t fully understand but we all experience in one form or another.

Another way to view love is (in the wise words of Meredith Grey) “I can live without you but I do not want to, I don’t ever want to”  I view this type of love as not someone completing someone else but someone becoming a part of their life, just because they can live without someone does not mean that they should. I feel in this type of love you do not get lost in someone you stay you and they get to enjoy that. This reminds me of another song, The Band Perry “I’m a Keeper”

Blue eyed Susans
Standing in a domino line
Falling in and out of love all the time
They’ll break your heart just to see a boy cry
But not me
I am a brown eyed loner
I march to my own drummer
I’m a piccolo owner and the labor of my mother’s love
Honey you’d be a load off her mind

But with or without you
My only plan is to be free
With or without you
I’m still me

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Now I don’t want to say either of these type of love is wrong but what I will say is that I tried giving my whole self to someone and when they left nothing was left so I don’t think I will ever do that again, I fully depended on this person and was devastated when they left.

So as for me well I guess I will take the stance that:

But with or without you
My only plan is to be free
With or without you
I’m still me

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It’s all going to be okay

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You know when I first faced divorce all I could find was articles saying that “everything would be fine, even though your life is falling apart around you one day it will all be okay and you will be grateful for this time” My thoughts “Yeah fuckin right!!” Today I can say that yes it does get better and that one day you will come out on the other side of things, but that is not easy work.

These articles paint a very nice picture, not the one where your heart was torn out of your chest and stepped on repeatedly, not the one where your family is now broken and you are the one left to put the pieces back together. This is not realistic, divorce hurts, in fact hurts a lot.

But I will say it does get better, one of my favorite quotes is ” When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on” This is exactly what happens to most of us when our life falls apart, rather than fall with it we hold on as tight as we can until stable ground is within reach again. I know from experience that it may seem like you are slipping but trust me your not, you are just getting used to the new ground that you need to stand on. Now please understand me I am not saying this is pretty and happy it truly sucks, but it does end.

So for all of you out there right now going though a divorce yes I know it sucks but one day it will get better 😉

Love

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What is love? Can someone fall in love to just fall out? These are all questions I have wondered about (honestly I think we have all thought these at one point or another)

About a month ago I came across an article that said if you sit down with someone and answer 36 questions then stare into the persons eyes for 4 minutes you will fall in love. I find this so intriguing because I used to feel strongly that love is a choice that is made daily and the questions that are asked can be very intimate. Now it makes me wonder what is it about these questions that helps people feel connected to one another?

I wish I knew someone that tried this! I just want to know if it actually works, can love really be that simple?

I am in a relationship with a great guy, we have been seeing each other for about 3 months now and I must say that I am falling for him (I may have already fallen 😉  ) The more I talk to him and get to know him the more I want to spend time with him, is this what the questions do? Do they help you to get to know someone but quicker?

I have to admit out of pure curiosity I have been tempted to ask him to do the questions with me, but then reasoning kicks in and I won’t ask him because I don’t want him to think I’m crazy! But still love is such a weird emotion that we have all experienced, and there are even different types of love. The way I love my girls is very different than the way I love my best friend and different from the way that I loved my ex. Even with all these different types of love it is still such an intimate emotion that can either make our better and help us feel like we are on top of the world or it can destroy us. That right there shows it power.

A recent study was done on college students who admitted that they were in love, and the results show that when in love certain parts of the brain light up and have increased activity. They also did a study at the same time to see what type of reactions that brain has to lust and it was found that love and lust do not activate the same part of the brain! So love and lust are not the same thing. They also studied people who were in love but the love was not mutual and parts of the brain that are associated with physical pain were lit up, this helps explain why love can hurt so bad.

So we can now see love in people’s brains but we still don’t understand the why, I think this is a question that will always have a question mark at the end of it. We don’t know why we love all we know is that we all love to love!!

Here is the link to the 36 questions:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?_r=0

And here is a CNN link describing the study and the results:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/02/14/love.science/

Oh yeah Happy Easter!!giphy

Divorce: A Letter to Vent

A guest post I wrote on my good friends blog.

Kay Froebel

Sometimes, Divorce happens. It’s a fact of life. This letter is written by a good friend of mine. Three months ago, her husband of 8 years left her. He claims it was because he was unhappy, that he no longer loved her. The girl on the side he was seeing had nothing to do with it, of course. His ex-girlfriend… from when he was 15. Yes, you read that right. See, this man, if he can even be called that, left his wife of 8 years and two beautiful girls for another woman. When did he do this? Why two weeks before Christmas.

For as long as I can remember, her husband, whom we shall go DB, has been a man of control. Things were done his way, because his way was best. Everyone else fell in line beside him. This is one of the many reasons he and I…

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Moving

Mickey moving

For the past 3 weeks I have been in the process of moving, I recently bought a house with my parents and we are in the process of renovating the basement into an apartment. Hopefully the work will be completed by next weekend and then I can officially move. Life as been hectic with all the packing and bringing boxes over to the new house. In my kitchen I have exactly I frying pan, 1 pot, 1 baking dish and 1 casserole dish. We have been eating off of paper plates and I am constantly doing dishes because I only left out 1 cup for each of the girls and 2 for me.

In short I am ready to move.

Just the other morning Faith spilled her bowl of cereal in the living room, not a big deal. I got some paper towels and cleaned it up, after that I went to get my swiffer so I could clean the floor well I had the swiffer but I did not have the pads that go with it, they were at the new house! (Not sure what the logic behind packing those away was…)

Last night I was at the house and I actually began putting away some of my kitchen items, it was exciting and sad at the same time. I am leaving the only home my kids have known the home where the both took their first steps, the home that they love. But I am excited to think of the new memories that are going to be made at the new house. It is a blank slate and that is so nice!

Now if I could just have all my stuff in one place…..

Food Stamps

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We have all had hard times in our life but some of us have hit a lower bottom than others, this was me when my ex left. I went from a stay at home mom to a single mom on food stamps. Now I want to clarify that I was getting child support from my ex; still its just his income was not high enough to support 2 households.

This post is actually hard for me to write because for a lot of you (my friends) this is the first you have heard about me being on Food Stamps, and it was my pride that kept it from you. When I was debating applying for benefits or not I had to lay down my pride and think of my girls and make the decision that was best for them.

Being on this program I realized that there are times in people’s lives when extra help is needed. I needed this help for a little bit. I knew when I went on the program that my goal was to get off it as soon as possible, I went out and got a job just 2 weeks after receiving benefits. I am happy to say that as of today I no longer qualify!

I am grateful that the program is in place because it helped me take care of my girls when I needed it. Before this experience I had very strong opinions about government assistance. Now actually having needed this assistance and walking in the shoes of the people I judged has humbled me and given me a new perspective. I can now see that people just need help sometimes.

Why I do everything I do.

Why I do everything I do.