Okay I am sorry I know it has been a LONG time since I have written. If has been soooo busy but also SO good! The guy I talked about a few months back well we are still together and I am fully in love with him! We have been seeing each other for 8 months now and it (and he) is just awesome.
Any way, so October is now upon us which means that on the 14th will come (what would have been) my 9th anniversary. The emotions for this day are so mixed, I am sad that the life I had planned is over but at the same time I am happy because since that life ended I have been able to live an even better one. These emotions are even more complicated since I am in a loving relationship, I actually felt bad about feeling upset about this day. My train of thought was that since I am in love then it should not bother me that my marriage ended. But then I realized that with or without this relationship these emotions would exist, I am mourning a life and a family that I thought would last forever.
As the day gets closer (this Wednesday) I am wondering what it will feel like, I know that it will be on my mind but I have to wonder will he be thinking about our marriage or even sad that it all ended. We did create a family and we did promise forever and we failed with that promise.
Things between us have not been good, we can’t even talk on the phone lately without tempers rising, it makes me wonder how we once were so happy and this day is a big reminder of it.
I can say today I am happy for the marriage and the divorce, funny thing is my current relationship would not have been possible if I was not married to my ex, I wouldn’t have ever known my boyfriend without my ex. But being happy for the divorce does not mean that there are no regrets, I WAS in love with him (or at least I thought I was) and he was the one I wanted to grow old with. That loss exists and is real. Words cannot make sense of this because again I am happy he is out of my life in this way and would not change it, but there was a life that I left behind and an identity that was left behind also and this is what I believe I am grieving, not him. I married young (next post 😉 ) and do not regret it, I also divorced young and again do not regret it.
This Wednesday I am going out to dinner with my maid of honor and in her words “we are going to celebrate that this day is no longer your anniversary!” I think this is a perfect way to celebrate this day as an unanniversary!!!!
Have a great week! 🙂