Hospital Stays

 

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I want to start this post by saying how lucky my family is when it comes to medical conditions and hospital stays, even though Faith has a critical congenital heart defect her hospital stays have been limited to surgeries and caths. Overall her health has been perfect and average, this past March (March 29th) she had an open heart surgery to replace the pulmonary valve that was put in when she was an infant. Though that surgery and hospital stay she was a rockstar! Only four days after open heart surgery she was discharged!! It is nothing short of amazing.

Now with her heart defect a sickness is always taken a little more serious, last week (12 days ago to be exact) she developed a fever, I brought her up to the pediatrician’s office, and they believed it was a viral infection that would clear up in a few days. Well a few days went by, and she was not improving so I called the cardiologist, he had the suspicion that she developed something called endocarditis which is an infection that traveled to her heart and attached to the new valve. This, of course, is very serious, so she was admitted to the hospital.

Well four days and multiple tests later they have dismissed endocarditis and any other major infection that stems from the surgery, and they think she has Lyme disease.

I am happy to have an answer finally, this time has been so hard on my family. My younger daughter is with my brother and his family and my husband is at work then comes to the hospital for a few hours then goes home to an empty house. Also, yesterday was my younger daughters birthday party which Faith and I could not attend.

Being in the hospital I have seen multiple kids run down a hallway saying “Mommy!!” because it is the first time they are seeing their mom for a few days, I have seen the pain in siblings eyes as they see their brother or sister with IV’s and attached to machines and they can’t understand whats going on. This is an emotion I saw in my daughter as she sat on Faith’s bed asking questions that no 7 year old should have to ask.

In the end, Faith has Lyme disease, she is now being treated and we are home and a complete family again. She will be on the antibiotic for 21 days but I know she will get better. This morning life is normal the girls are playing and fighting. This hospital stay was 5 days, it was hard but she is the strongest girl that I have ever met and she was a rock star.

Her mom, on the other hand, has a lot of healing to do…..

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Surgery is set

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Hi everyone, I wish I could be writing a happier post but now is not that time. My older daughter has Truncus Arteriosus (to learn more about her and her heart read this post).

Just to give a background, she was diagnosed when she was 7 days old and had her first open heart surgery at 11 days old, this surgery repaired her heart but it was not a permanent fix. The piece they placed in her heart does not grow with her body so naturally, this is what needs to be replaced. She has also had 2 heart Caths.

We usually see her cardiologist every 9 months or so to see how things are going, well we saw him in January and found out that it is time for her to have her replacement. So surgery is scheduled for the end of March, and along with the surgery, she will also have a cath.

Now I know nothing could ever prepare me for this, it’s just one of those things that you never want to happen. I have been in this position before, and with the experience, I know what to expect. I will tell you that no I am not ready for them to take her away from me, I am not ready for the update telling me she is cooled down and ready to go on bypass, I am not ready to hear that she is in fact on bypass. From this point forward I know that until I get the news that her body is warm and her heart is beating again, I will not be able to take a deep breath.

Then once the surgery is over, I have to prepare myself to see my daughter who loves horses and all animals, who is looking forward to her Make a Wish trip to Hawaii and
swimming with dolphins, lying in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her. She is such an amazing girl and to see her so helpless…………words just can’t describe.

What is new this time is that I now have my younger daughter, during this time she cannot get attention from me, she will be away from her mother and best friend, yes I will have family around her to support her, but it can’t be me, and this kills me.

I know once this is over I will be dolphin-heartgrateful to be on the other side of surgery, to know that we are set for a few more years. We will no longer be at the edge of our seat at every cardiology appointment, that I can’t wait for. But as for everything else, it could never happen, and I would be happy…

So if you see me, and I don’t look okay, know that I am not. I am in fact teetering on the edge of a breakdown, I am using all my energy to keep it together. But also know there is nothing that can be done, this is life, this is my life, this is my daughters’ lives, and now this is my Fiance’s life. We will all get through it, and it will hurt like hell, but there will be a brighter side.

Finding love

About 2 years ago my life was just being put back together, I was coming out of the darkness that my divorce caused. By the end of January of that year I was healed and ready to move on. Now, this did not mean I was ready to date, but it did mean I was ready to live my life, so one weekend when my children were with their dad, I called up an old friend. Now calling this person a friend is using the term loosely, the connection is hard but give me a minute to explain this…

Okay so this person is Aaron

My ex-mother-in-law was in her 4th marriage when I got married, she married a man named Dale and Dale has triplets that are my age and a younger child (who I think is 5 years younger) so for a time Dale’s children were my step siblings in-laws.

When I was pregnant with Faith, Dale’s daughter (one of the triplets) began dating Aaron. I actually met him for the first time when I was 36 weeks expecting!

They dated for about 4 years and broke up when Becky was around 1, in this time we would talk and were friendly but nothing more (we were both in love and in committed

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Faith playing with Uncle Aaron

relationships) Faith actually called him Uncle Aaron!

 

Fast forward 2 years and I was at a gas station filling up when I saw someone I recognized at another pump, it was Aaron. Now, my looks had changed since he had last seen me, the baby weight was gone and really he only knew me when I was either pregnant or postpartum. I was excited to see him after so long so I went over and he didn’t even recognize me! We talked and I invited him to dinner so we all (myself, my ex-husband and himself) could catch up. This dinner never happened and in retrospect, it’s probably a good thing 😉 .

Now fast forward another 2 years I knew he was living in the area and really I just wanted to go out one night. I called him to see if he was available and we talked for 2 hours and decided to meet that weekend for “a girls night out”. Well, to say the least, that night did not turn out to be a girls night out it was in fact, our first date. From there, our relationship slowly grew (of course we began dating right before my ex-husband took his 1st month long hiatus) so we had to take things slow. The beginning was hard and I relied on family and friends to watch the girls for me so we could see each other, and in this first month, I think we saw each other a whopping 3 times!!

But regardless of the time, we spent together our relationship continued to grow and then the weekend of Mother’s day 2015 he met the girls for the first time!

Since that point, things have just gone up and this past September he proposed and I said yes!!

The wedding is scheduled for June and we are all so happy, the girls love him and so do I. I am thankful that he is in our life and am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

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Way too long…..

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Okay, I know it has been a year since I last posted but life has been crazy…GOOD!. I am happy to say that the new relationship I discussed in some of my previous posts has progressed and I am getting married! I am also back in school and have completed 2 semesters and am starting my third one in a few weeks. My girls are doing great and really there are not many complaints.

So if anyone if still out there I am sorry and will try my best to post at least once a week (no promises though)

Up next: Finding love again

Nothing like a sick Child, and the very beginning of this journey

Okay so by now my Un-Anniversary has come and passed. To be short the day and night was uneventful except for the fact that my youngest was terribly sick. Now she was not throwing up but a VERY  high fever and really bad cold symptoms to go along with it. I must say that the day was not bad at all! It did get me thinking about my wedding day and then my age…

The Beginning:

So I met my Ex when we were just kids I was in 4th grade and he was in 5th, we lived in the same neighborhood but went to different schools (I went to a private school and he attended public). I have memories of playing jail tag with him and memories of him and his best friend chasing me and my best friend down the street while they pretended to be gladiators. So we really grew up together.

From the beginning I had a crush on him but he never thought twice about me until I was about 13 and that was only for about 2 days (maybe a sign I should have paid attention to). When he went to middle school (7th grade) we lost contact. Then 3 years later when I was a freshman in high school our paths crossed again. ErkkiandMegan05

Now this time I did not look like a little kid and immediately got his attention, which I gave back because that crush I had developed still existed, I was 15. We stated dating October of my Sophomore year and were married in October 4 years later, I was just 19.

To me my ex was everything and getting married young was what God wanted for me, I was so excited to start this new journey in my life and to build a life with him. My wedding day was a mixture of emotions I was so happy to be marrying this man but at the same time worried because I knew I was breaking my Mother’s heart. She did not agree with the marriage and on my wedding day actually told me I was ruining her life.

That day I felt so beautiful and it was perfect, it was a small wedding which is exactly what we wanted, I had my best friend there and if I had a maid of honor it would of been her. ErkkiandMegan25

I have no regrets about this day or even about getting married so young. I know when I first was faced with the divorce all I could think was “who would want to be with me? I have been married, divorced and have 2 kids by the time I am 28! Yeah I’m a real catch” but now I see getting married young as a blessing, I have two beautiful daughters who I wouldn’t give up for the world and a life already full of experiences. Plus I am still young enough to get remarried and celebrate a 30 year anniversary with someone!

To that young women who was married years ago I would say, yes the road will be tough but every decision you make will work out and even when the road gets hard you will learn to walk through it with your head high. So feel beautiful and soak up the day because that memory will always be cherished and it is that day that the children that you now hold so dear became a possibility.

A young women was married that day and 8 years later a mature women is the one who shook off the dust and began her new life again. It was not my first time staring over, it was not the first time that odds were against me but it was my first time stepping out alone and facing the unknown. I must say being at the other side of this “unknown” it really was not that bad. Yes there are still struggles but that is life, and this life that I live is just awesome!

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Bittersweet

Okay I am sorry I know it has been a LONG time since I have written. If has been soooo busy but also SO good! The guy I talked about a few months back well we are still together and I am fully in love with  him! We have been seeing each other for 8 months now and it (and he) is just awesome.

Any way, so October is now upon us which means that on the 14th will come (what would have been) my 9th anniversary. The emotions for this day are so mixed, I am sad that the life I had planned is over but at the same time I am happy because since that life ended I have been able to live an even better one. These emotions are even more complicated since I am in a loving relationship, I actually felt bad about feeling upset about this day. My train of thought was that since I am in love then it should not bother me that my marriage ended. But then I realized that with or without this relationship these emotions would exist, I am mourning a life and a family that I thought would last forever.

As the day gets closer (this Wednesday) I am wondering what it will feel like, I know that it will be on my mind but I have to wonder will he be thinking about our marriage or even sad that it all ended. We did create a family and we did promise forever and we failed with that promise.

Things between us have not been good, we can’t even talk on the phone lately without tempers rising, it makes me wonder how we once were so happy and this day is a big reminder of it.

I can say today I am happy for the marriage and the divorce, funny thing is my current relationship would not have been possible if I was not married to my ex, I wouldn’t have ever known my boyfriend without my ex. But being happy for the divorce does not mean that there are no regrets, I WAS in love with him (or at least I thought I was) and he was the one I wanted to grow old with. That loss exists and is real. Words cannot make sense of this because again I am happy he is out of my life in this way and would not change it, but there was a life that I left behind and an identity that was left behind also and this is what I believe I am grieving, not him. I married young (next post 😉 ) and do not regret it, I also divorced young and again do not regret it.

This Wednesday I am going out to dinner with my maid of honor and in her words “we are going to celebrate that this day is no longer your anniversary!” I think this is a perfect way to celebrate this day as an unanniversary!!!!

Have a great week! 🙂

It’s all going to be okay

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You know when I first faced divorce all I could find was articles saying that “everything would be fine, even though your life is falling apart around you one day it will all be okay and you will be grateful for this time” My thoughts “Yeah fuckin right!!” Today I can say that yes it does get better and that one day you will come out on the other side of things, but that is not easy work.

These articles paint a very nice picture, not the one where your heart was torn out of your chest and stepped on repeatedly, not the one where your family is now broken and you are the one left to put the pieces back together. This is not realistic, divorce hurts, in fact hurts a lot.

But I will say it does get better, one of my favorite quotes is ” When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on” This is exactly what happens to most of us when our life falls apart, rather than fall with it we hold on as tight as we can until stable ground is within reach again. I know from experience that it may seem like you are slipping but trust me your not, you are just getting used to the new ground that you need to stand on. Now please understand me I am not saying this is pretty and happy it truly sucks, but it does end.

So for all of you out there right now going though a divorce yes I know it sucks but one day it will get better 😉