Okay, well the title of this blog no longer applies to my life, I am no longer a housewife. I am just a unemployed stay at home mom that is looking for work. My husband and I are going through divorce, now this decision did not come easy for me. For weeks I fought it and begged for another way, I thought that I could make my husband fall in love with me again and I tried everything, none of which worked.
As the weeks have gone on I have come to accept the reality that I live in, my marriage is over and the awesome family that I once had is now broken. Now my husband and I are getting along and I have no doubt that we will be awesome co-parents, we both love our girls and have a mutual respect for each other and that goes a long way. There is one thing that I have to do to keep this relationship working though, I have to put aside the love that I still have for my husband in order to be a good mom.
What I mean by this is that in order to parent my girls in the best way I need to put my emotions on hold, right now I need to be strong and to have a clear head. Life didn’t turn out the way that I thought it would but I know in the end I will be okay and my girls will be okay to. For me I think it will just take some time, every day gets a little easier. So for now my next step is saying bye to the awesome family of four that we were and saying hi to the awesome family of three that I am now part of.
So as you all know my daughter Faith has a heart defect, this causes her immune system to be weakened so she has a hard time fighting off infections. This week she was (and is still) being hit with a really bad cold, she has had a fever for 4 days now and a really junky cough. Motrin brings this fever down but when it wears off the fever is back. Now she has been to her pediatrician’s office twice this week (today is Thursday) the first visit was to check out her cough and make sure it was not in her lungs (it was not) the second visit was because she was complaining of ear pain. During this visit there was no infection but she was a little red so the doctor gave us a prescription told me to wait 48 hours to fill and sent us on our way.
That was Monday; Tuesday, Wednesday she still has the fever so I called them and they instructed me that she might have an ear infection so if she woke up today (Thursday) and still had a fever to give her the antibiotic. Well today she is still sick and I am annoyed… I am going to give her the antibiotic but I do not feel the pediatrician is really listing to my concerns.
Each time we have been in Faith’s heart rate hasn’t been check or her oxygen level, each time she has also seen a doctor that does not know her. So I bit the bullet and called the cardiologist.
(I must mention this is not the first time that I have called the cardiologist after seeing the pediatrician. This past summer Faith had a stomach bug and could not hold any food down, she didn’t even have energy to walk. When seeing the pediatrician (again a doctor that was not familiar with her) they said her heart rate was slightly elevated but it was nothing to be concerned about. So as I was driving home I called the cardiologist and told them what was going on, there response “They didn’t tell you do go to the E.R. and get IV fluids?!” They instructed me that her heat rate was elevated which meant she was dehydrated and told me to have a very low threshold for her throwing up again.)
Okay back to today; I spoke with the cardiologist and they think that she does have a really bad virus but they are also wondering if her cough has now morphed into something more. The last we talked they were going to speak with the head cardiologist and see what he thinks.
As for me I have calmed down and realize that I should not worry that people think I am a paranoid mother, the only time my kids are at the doctor is if they are really sick or if they need a checkup. Having a child that has other medical issues beyond regular kid stuff weighs on me but overall I think I handle it pretty well.
I had my kids young, Faith was born in 2008 when I was 21 years old and Becky was born in 2010 when I was 23. I have to say that having children so young has made for some very awkward moments. For instance the other day I was at an indoor park when another woman began engaging in conversation (even though I was reading my book). At one point she said “well it was different for us, we are old timers” now what made this awkward was this woman was easily in her late 40’s to early 50’s, and she was talking about how things were when she grew up. During this conversation all I could think was she was probably old enough to be my mom!
Another example has to do with Faith’s best friend J, one day J’s mother came over so they could play up to this point my age had not come up and I had no intention of mentioning it. However as she walked by a picture of me and my husband on our wedding day which was dated (October 14, 2006) I noticed she gave it a long glance. A few minutes went by and she asked how old I was! I was mortified, because I knew that she had to be in her 30’s. I reluctantly told her I was 26 and then went explaining that I got married young and had children young.
Now I know this is my problem and it is my own insecurity but it is a hard one to overcome especially when we go to a school function and realize that the only person remotely close to your age is your child’s teacher!
As the years have gone by pregnancy rates in older women have gotten higher there are more women that are choosing to wait to have a family. I think this is fine and to each his own, but I must say I wonder if these older moms feel as awkward as I do being a younger mom.
I am glad that I am a young mom (even with the awkward moments). I know when I am in my 40’s my kids will be (hopefully) independent; I like the fact that I have the energy to run around with them, and I look forward to enjoying them as adults.
Being a mom rocks no matter what age you are!
The other day I was driving with my 2 girls while we were in the car my youngest (Becky) asked me if she was a “real princess” I told her that to me she is but no really is not because she does not have a kingdom to rule over. Then she asked how to become a “real princess” I told her that she would need to marry a Prince one day to which she replied “Mommy I will marry a real prince and become a real princess” She is only 3, and my first thought was go ahead if that is your dream then you try.
Now I know today a lot of people feel that we tell our children who they should be; we tell girls that they should be housewives and boys that they need to take care of money. I do not agree with this, both of my girls have been raised the same way with a mixture of toys from kitchens to trucks and they have each developed their own identity.
My youngest is the biggest girly girl that you can meet; she always has to have a tutu on (think Fancy Nancy) and my oldest; yes she likes to be girly however she also plays soccer and has more fun playing with boys than she does with girls. Now my children were raised the same way (I actually have no idea where Becky’s princess style came from) and yet they are very different. One day I can see Becky being content as a stay at home mom while Faith is saving lives as a doctor with no time for a family.
We do not decide who are children will be they decide that, we just need to support them (even if they want to be a “real princess”).
Okay so what is the definition of a perfect housewife? Is it the women you see in the grocery store that looks like she never had a child even though she has 3 with her? Is it the mom who is at every drop off an pick up of her child and there on time? Or is it the mom who cooks, cleans and puts all of her families needs in front of her own? I recently came across an article about how mother’s today are on average heavier than they were 50 years ago. Now I think this is fair because as a country in whole we have gotten bigger, why then would it be any different for mothers? My problem with this is that moms whether stay at home or working are under a huge amount of pressure. My best friend is an awesome mom she loves her children so much and she is also working, not just any work she is the bread winner for her family and is out of the house for about 10 hours a day. But like I said she is an awesome mom. For her and her family it made sense for her to go back to work after having children. Now me, I am a stay at home mom, as I mentioned in my about me I came into this role accidentally, my oldest daughter (Faith) was born with a heart defect and a suppressed immune system so daycare could of happened but for us we were able to work out our finances so that I could stay home. Since then we have had another little girl (Becky) I have been home now for 5 years and it has worked for my family. I am not the most disciplined mother and my goal for my kids is to raise them so they don’t have to recover from me! But I try my hardest to meet the “perfect housewife” standard, and it is exhausting.
When I was in Calvinism I read a book called “The Excellent Wife” (not recommended) in this book it had suggestions on how to be the perfect wife. One of these suggestions was that a wife should always be put together for her husband, so makeup on and nice
clothes all the time. Also you should be able to take care of dinner and just let you husband relax after work, the best (sarcasm) was when I was told I should never deny my husband sex even if I was sick! If he wanted sex not being in the mood was not a good reason to say no. I am sure now you can see why this is not a recommended book, well being the “perfect” Calvinist I decided that I needed to follow these instructions in order to make my husband happy (thankfully he was disgusted about the sex one if I did want it he didn’t want to make me). Well this lasted all of 3 weeks before I finally threw in the towel, I realized that my husband did not care how clean the house was or if I was made up. What he wanted was for me to be happy and for our family to work.
I recently started watching Mad Men (thanks Netflix!) and I am surprised at how far housewives and women in general have come sine the 1960’s, however we today are still scrutinized more than men. We have to be prefect little girls, then polite teenagers, then respectable young women so we can get a man, then we have to be the prefect wife and maybe mother. We might get more respect today but the expectations are still the same, so what if my kids watch T.V.? I know what all the studies say about media but the people who hold these studies do not see what my house is like. I think people need to back off and just let wives and mothers BE, imagine a world where that was okay, I think we would have some pretty happy women.
Okay so this is my first attempt at a blog. As the name of the blog states I am a reluctant housewife (according to my husband) I have 2 young girls that are 5 and 3 my 5 year old just started Kindergarten this year and my 3 year old is full time home with me, I also take 2 classes at the local community college (as if I didn’t already have enough on my plate!) This is going to be a place for me to vent on life, kids and my faith. I hope you enjoy the ride!