Surgery is set

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Hi everyone, I wish I could be writing a happier post but now is not that time. My older daughter has Truncus Arteriosus (to learn more about her and her heart read this post).

Just to give a background, she was diagnosed when she was 7 days old and had her first open heart surgery at 11 days old, this surgery repaired her heart but it was not a permanent fix. The piece they placed in her heart does not grow with her body so naturally, this is what needs to be replaced. She has also had 2 heart Caths.

We usually see her cardiologist every 9 months or so to see how things are going, well we saw him in January and found out that it is time for her to have her replacement. So surgery is scheduled for the end of March, and along with the surgery, she will also have a cath.

Now I know nothing could ever prepare me for this, it’s just one of those things that you never want to happen. I have been in this position before, and with the experience, I know what to expect. I will tell you that no I am not ready for them to take her away from me, I am not ready for the update telling me she is cooled down and ready to go on bypass, I am not ready to hear that she is in fact on bypass. From this point forward I know that until I get the news that her body is warm and her heart is beating again, I will not be able to take a deep breath.

Then once the surgery is over, I have to prepare myself to see my daughter who loves horses and all animals, who is looking forward to her Make a Wish trip to Hawaii and
swimming with dolphins, lying in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her. She is such an amazing girl and to see her so helpless…………words just can’t describe.

What is new this time is that I now have my younger daughter, during this time she cannot get attention from me, she will be away from her mother and best friend, yes I will have family around her to support her, but it can’t be me, and this kills me.

I know once this is over I will be dolphin-heartgrateful to be on the other side of surgery, to know that we are set for a few more years. We will no longer be at the edge of our seat at every cardiology appointment, that I can’t wait for. But as for everything else, it could never happen, and I would be happy…

So if you see me, and I don’t look okay, know that I am not. I am in fact teetering on the edge of a breakdown, I am using all my energy to keep it together. But also know there is nothing that can be done, this is life, this is my life, this is my daughters’ lives, and now this is my Fiance’s life. We will all get through it, and it will hurt like hell, but there will be a brighter side.

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Reality

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Okay so  I will start with the good news I got a job and started on Friday! It feels so nice to be back at work even with it being the busiest time of the year for a florist!

Now reality still continues on and me and my ex were getting along great until yesterday at pick up, see we have disagreements on where the girls should go to school I think they should stay in their Charter School while he thinks that I should move them to the public school of the town I will be living in next year. I am not going to get into what went down, just state that I was so pissed off and it felt awesome!! See I was the type of wife that would let anything go by. If we were arguing no matter what was said I stayed quiet and very reserved.

I learned this from a book that was given to me by my ex (go figure)called  “The Excellent Wife” here is an excerpt from the book:

“Probably the most helpful thing you can do is ask your husband to hold you accountable for showing respect to him. If he agrees, he would, then, point out your disrespectful words, tone or countenance. …How willing you are to let your husband help you in this way will reflect your level of maturity and commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ.” (p. 109, 111)

Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2010/02/the-god-card-thoughts-from-the-excellent-wife/#ixzz3RI8qVBJh

So I didn’t talk back even when I knew he was wrong I would let the argument end and knew that an apology would eventually come and when it did I accepted it. See to this day I am still unsure where I stand with Christianity, I could accept it easily if the Bible did not exist or even if I did not have the knowledge of the Bible that I have. Another road block for Christianity is while I was in it I lost myself. I became this shell of a women that today I could never go back to.

Hell once I thought “what would I do if he (my ex) ever left me?” and my answer to that was to stay single because that is what the Bible would tell me to do! So even if he divorced me I would never remarry I would forever be committed to him even if he was not to me. Now here is the scripture that I used to support this decision:

2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.
6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’
7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this.
11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.
12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”]
So according to the Bible my thoughts weren’t that far off. See this is my problem with Christianity I know to much. I have studied the Bible to much and just can’t make it jive with my life.
So during the disagreement it felt really good to get mad and even talk back! I think after that experience I might be moving further away from Christianity.
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Christianity the Best and Worst Thing to Happen to Me.

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Christianity: the Best and Worst thing to happen to me

At one point in my life I would have proudly stood up and shouted, “I am a Christian”! This was before my Christianity fell apart.

Today, I know I still believe in God, but when I think of how my Christianity has played out I have to admit that finding my faith was the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. When I became a Christian I was recovering from some really bad stuff, and this stuff was killing me. Finding Christianity felt like the weight I was carrying on my shoulders was gone. The scripture from Matthew 11:30 came true for me: “My yoke is easy my burden light”.

Fast forward to today: I’m not struggling with the same things I was 8 years ago, but now I struggle with Christianity. I cannot jive my initial “experience” from when I first became a believer with what the Bible teaches. I also cannot pretend that there aren’t hard and horrible things in the Bible, which I cannot accept. I know many Christians who would say by not accepting these I’m creating a “God of my own liking”… I really don’t care if that’s what they think. People can believe what they want if that’s what makes them feel better. Have fun.

The first time I picked up the Bible after I became a believer, it felt like it was alive. I had read it before and never understood it, but at that moment it all made perfect sense to me. I had full confidence the Bible was right and was God’s word to us. I miss those days.

As the years have gone by and I’ve  become more educated in what the Bible teaches, I’m left wondering if I will ever be able to accept this book as inerrant again, or if I will have to hold onto a more liberal understanding of it in order to keep it in my life.

Once your eyes are opened to the truth it is hard to turn away, which is why I’m stuck here today. I feel like the God of mainstream Christianity is the truth, but the God of the Bible is not. If I’m to be real with myself then I have to admit that I want Christianity to be true because I’m afraid to imagine a world without it, not because I see what is in the Bible and believe it.

This has by far been the best and worst experience of my life.

 

 

Being Thankful

Now I know that thankfulness usually comes around Thanksgiving, however for me this is coming Imagenow; during the Christmas season. My daughter Faith is 5 years old, by this time the doctors had told us to expect her to have been through at least 2 open heart surgeries, however she has only had 1. Next week she visits her cardiologist for a full work up (echo, ekg, and office visit) this might be the appointment that we find out it is time or we might get another 6 months before she needs to be seen.

Either way I am thankful for the time that we have had surgery free, and I know that even if surgery is in the near future for us it does not matter because up to this point we have been living on borrowed time.

I hope you all had a great Holiday and an awesome New Year!

God Are You There?

Image It has been about 5 years since my world fell apart around me. Let me explain: When I was 18 years old I was “saved” before this I attended Catholic schools and knew about God but never experienced him. Soon after this I was engaged to my then boyfriend (and now husband) and was forced to leave my parents’ house because I left Catholicism and was going too baptized again through my new church. These days were the scariest and the most exciting days of my life.

Soon after my husband and I were married we began to attend church, first it was an Oneness Pentecostal we were only there a few months before we saw how wrong their doctrine was. After this church we stayed out for a while again life got good, we got pregnant and had a baby.However this baby was not healthy, my daughter was born full term and had a regular birth we named her Faith. After 2 days in the hospital we were both released, it wasn’t until she was 1 week old I began to notice something was wrong. One night she was on her changing table and I thought she was breathing fast. She had a doctor’s appointment the next day so I figured I would just bring it up then. Well the next day came and my father and I went to the pediatrician. When we arrived at his office they put us right in a room then the doctor came in. He checked her weight and was ready to send her on our way then I asked him how a newborn breathes. This question took him by surprise and he decided to check her heart beat, it was then my life changed. He heard a murmur and we were sent to a cardiologist. 3 hours later we left the cardiologist with a diagnose Truncus Arteriosus type 2, just 1 week before we had named her Faith.

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She had her repair when she was 11 days old and it was my faith that carried me through that time. I knew God was there and no matter what happened she would be fine, 7 days after her surgery she was still in heart block and we were facing another surgery to put a permanent pacer into her body, that night I hung my head over her crib and just prayed that God would let us skip this surgery that I could not bear to hand my child over again so soon. That night they scheduled her surgery for Monday; it was Saturday. The next morning we went to the hospital and immediately looked at her heart rate and to my amazement she was doing some beats on her own!! As the day went on her heart got stronger and by night they had canceled her surgery, and she was sent home 3 days later.

When Faith was 4 months old she had a Heart Cath done to help her heart function better, it was successful. It was right after this my husband and I stepped into church again, this time a regular Pentecostal. While there my husband was even studying to become a minister, it was while he was in these classes we realized just what Arminianism was, this was hard for us. We did not agree with the doctrine and did not think it lined up with the Bible, so we left. However we felt that church was still where we need to be so we went to the next extreme, Calvinism. Life in Calvinism was worse than life in Arminianism, still my husband was studying to become a minister and he was well on his way there. We accepted this theology with open arms until the day we started to think; I wondered does God really decide who goes to hell and who goes to heaven? And if so how do I know that I am safe or that my daughter is safe? What if we weren’t elected? These beliefs ripped my faith into shreds.

Today I am finally on the mend; I have not regularly been to a church since then and have no desire to. I know that I am a Christian but I do not know if my Christianity will be accepted among others. Today I stand knowing that I am loved by God and my family is loved by God (by the way my husband left wanting to be a minister behind and is now in business) Today I live my life and hope that God is there with me I do not feel him like I did in the beginning but I also know not to expect that. There still are those days that I do wonder; God are you there?