New Year

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I know for a lot of people 2016 was a hard year, even looking at the news we were surrounded by tragedy there was the Flint Michigan water crisis, (which is still going on) the Zika outbreak which caused Olympians to not compete in the games, the Ecuadorian earthquake and lets not forget Donald Trump trumpbecoming President Elect.

For me this year was awesome! It was officially the first year in 8 that I was not married (I was separated at the end of 2014, and the divorce was not final until 3/2015) and also the year that I would say goodbye to single life!!!

I know that I will look at these years and I will always look fondly at them, it was at this time that I realized just how much I can do. I saw that I am so much more than a wife and mom, I am a woman that has goals, and that has fought through adversity and won. I returned to school and got a new job that will help give me experience that will be vital once my degree is obtained.

I became comfortable with being a 20 something that was divorced and has 2 kids. A funny story with this actually had to do with my high school reunion. I was talking to a classmate and showed her a picture of the girls Aaron was with me, and after she had looked at the pictures, she gave me a concerned expression and said: ” I see you in them but no offense I do not see you (pointing at Aaron) at all.” You can imagine what our reaction was we both looked at each other and laughed! Then I replied “well that’s a good thing cause their not his! I have been married, had kids and divorced in 10 years, what have you been up to?”

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This has been a remarkable year, right now on my tree I have an ornament that is of three snowmen on a sleigh. I got this once my ex left, and it has three names, Mommy, Faith, and Becky. I will never get rid of this, and I am sure it will always hang on my tree, but next year I look forward to hanging another one (maybe right beside it) that has 4 (or maybe 5 😉 ) names on it. 🙂

 

Happy New year I hope your 2017 is extraordinary!!!!!

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Mine!!!!!

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When you get divorced as a stay at home mom it’s an understatement to say that your life gets turned upside down. Everything that was once stable is now on a active fault line that is ready to rock. For me this was horrible, we had one car in our family (as my ex works from home) and it was under his name. When he left he did buy another car but that meant I was responsible for the old one (it’s name is speedy, my kids picked it out) this was terrifying. Even though I had a phenomenal credit score (800) I had no income! No income = no loans, even for speedy which is a 2012 Sonata and only had a $4,000 loan attached, I could not qualify for a loan without a cosigner. My ex refused to co sign and I did not what to have to ask my dad. So I talked with my ex and asked him if as long as I made the payments could he carry the loan until I had 4 months of work under my belt, he agreed. So I worked paid the loan and eventually went to my bank and got it refinanced and had my ex taken off. Speedy was officially mine!!

Well not really, to get this loan they stretched out my payments to another 5 years! This was hard because for years I (and my ex) had actively worked to get ahead on our payments and we were on track to have it paid off ASAP. The monthly payments were low but with my budget that was really all I could put on it, a couple of months I was able to put more more towards this but it was the exception not the rule. So in the last 6 months I have made my payments and in turn have gotten the loan down, I had accepted that it may take me 3 or more years to officially own speedy and it was okay.

Well it is tax season!! And I am more than happy to report that once I get my return I will officially own Speedy!!! The best part is that he has only 77,000 miles (I know it’s a lot living in NH requires lots of driving) and I have a bumper to bumper warranty until 100,000, so hopefully if anything is going to go wrong it will happen before the warranty is up.

Life has definitely had it’s up’s and downs lately (more of that in a future post) but this is an official up. The goal once I have the title in hand is to put that payment into savings and start to grow that. Little by little I know my finances will get in order and I will be better off financially than I was while married.

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What type of love are you looking for?

Lately I have been very into music, obviously country is still my favorite but I have also enjoyed some pop songs too. There is a song that my girls love, it is Ellie Goulding “Love me Like you do”  this is a really nice song and I must say it is funny to hear my girls singing along to it. The first verse in this song describes how someone feels about another person:

You’re the light, you’re the night
You’re the color of my blood
You’re the cure, you’re the pain
You’re the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

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I know many people view love like this, the type where you breath is taken away, where life without that person seems impossible. When you are with this person you are one with them, without them you are not yourself, this is a very romantic view of love and commitment. I think this is the view many people hold myself included I was one of them.

As I have talked about, before love is very complicated it is an emotion that we just don’t fully understand but we all experience in one form or another.

Another way to view love is (in the wise words of Meredith Grey) “I can live without you but I do not want to, I don’t ever want to”  I view this type of love as not someone completing someone else but someone becoming a part of their life, just because they can live without someone does not mean that they should. I feel in this type of love you do not get lost in someone you stay you and they get to enjoy that. This reminds me of another song, The Band Perry “I’m a Keeper”

Blue eyed Susans
Standing in a domino line
Falling in and out of love all the time
They’ll break your heart just to see a boy cry
But not me
I am a brown eyed loner
I march to my own drummer
I’m a piccolo owner and the labor of my mother’s love
Honey you’d be a load off her mind

But with or without you
My only plan is to be free
With or without you
I’m still me

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Now I don’t want to say either of these type of love is wrong but what I will say is that I tried giving my whole self to someone and when they left nothing was left so I don’t think I will ever do that again, I fully depended on this person and was devastated when they left.

So as for me well I guess I will take the stance that:

But with or without you
My only plan is to be free
With or without you
I’m still me

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Food Stamps

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We have all had hard times in our life but some of us have hit a lower bottom than others, this was me when my ex left. I went from a stay at home mom to a single mom on food stamps. Now I want to clarify that I was getting child support from my ex; still its just his income was not high enough to support 2 households.

This post is actually hard for me to write because for a lot of you (my friends) this is the first you have heard about me being on Food Stamps, and it was my pride that kept it from you. When I was debating applying for benefits or not I had to lay down my pride and think of my girls and make the decision that was best for them.

Being on this program I realized that there are times in people’s lives when extra help is needed. I needed this help for a little bit. I knew when I went on the program that my goal was to get off it as soon as possible, I went out and got a job just 2 weeks after receiving benefits. I am happy to say that as of today I no longer qualify!

I am grateful that the program is in place because it helped me take care of my girls when I needed it. Before this experience I had very strong opinions about government assistance. Now actually having needed this assistance and walking in the shoes of the people I judged has humbled me and given me a new perspective. I can now see that people just need help sometimes.

Why I do everything I do.

Why I do everything I do.

Dads where are you?

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Okay so I came across an article that has some pretty surprising statistics now this study was done in 2011 and was released by Pew Research and conducted by National Survey of Family Growth. In this research it was found that divorced or unwed fathers that see their children once or more a week is right around 22%, fathers that see their children 1 to 4 times a month is 29% and fathers that have no contact with their children is right around 27%.

These numbers are very disturbing especially considering how important it is to have male role models in a child’s life. From education to obesity there have been numerous studies that show having a father in the home of a child just benefits the child (of course as long as the father is not abusive) http://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistics

As a mother of two little girls I worry everyday about the effects of not having a male in my house will have on them. They right now only see their dad about 8 days a month and most likely that will be changing to less sometime soon. Sure there are men in their life that are good examples but at night when I am home alone with them and I am sick but I still have to get them ready for bed it is just me. They do not see that a real man would be helping me and (hopefully) take over for the night so I could rest.

I also wonder why it is that men are able to spend less time with their kids? Do they not miss them? Do they think that this really is for their best? As a mom I cannot imagine life without my kids, everything I do I do it for them.

When it comes to my kids I have to remember that even though contact with their dad is less than it used to be, they are now seeing a strong mom that is trying her hardest to give them the best life possible. And that is a lesson I hope goes a long way. 

Reality

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Okay so  I will start with the good news I got a job and started on Friday! It feels so nice to be back at work even with it being the busiest time of the year for a florist!

Now reality still continues on and me and my ex were getting along great until yesterday at pick up, see we have disagreements on where the girls should go to school I think they should stay in their Charter School while he thinks that I should move them to the public school of the town I will be living in next year. I am not going to get into what went down, just state that I was so pissed off and it felt awesome!! See I was the type of wife that would let anything go by. If we were arguing no matter what was said I stayed quiet and very reserved.

I learned this from a book that was given to me by my ex (go figure)called  “The Excellent Wife” here is an excerpt from the book:

“Probably the most helpful thing you can do is ask your husband to hold you accountable for showing respect to him. If he agrees, he would, then, point out your disrespectful words, tone or countenance. …How willing you are to let your husband help you in this way will reflect your level of maturity and commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ.” (p. 109, 111)

Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2010/02/the-god-card-thoughts-from-the-excellent-wife/#ixzz3RI8qVBJh

So I didn’t talk back even when I knew he was wrong I would let the argument end and knew that an apology would eventually come and when it did I accepted it. See to this day I am still unsure where I stand with Christianity, I could accept it easily if the Bible did not exist or even if I did not have the knowledge of the Bible that I have. Another road block for Christianity is while I was in it I lost myself. I became this shell of a women that today I could never go back to.

Hell once I thought “what would I do if he (my ex) ever left me?” and my answer to that was to stay single because that is what the Bible would tell me to do! So even if he divorced me I would never remarry I would forever be committed to him even if he was not to me. Now here is the scripture that I used to support this decision:

2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.
6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’
7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this.
11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.
12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”]
So according to the Bible my thoughts weren’t that far off. See this is my problem with Christianity I know to much. I have studied the Bible to much and just can’t make it jive with my life.
So during the disagreement it felt really good to get mad and even talk back! I think after that experience I might be moving further away from Christianity.
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Prince Charming

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I came across a very interesting article this morning “Why The Women You Love Should Want You Not Need You” the idea behind the article is simple a women that needs a man is not readily available to be loved or to give love. I have to say that I agree with this and because I was that type of women.

When my ex and I first got together I was only 15 and like most teenagers had a rocky relationship with my family, he was my breath of fresh air and he saved me (or so I thought). As we grew up my mentality never changed, he was everything to me. There is a song by the Band Perrry that completely describes how I used to feel it’s called “Better Dig Two”

This is how I used to think I would feel if my relationship ever ended. My ex was everything to me, which is why when he left I was broken and could not be put back together. The person who I leaned on (obviously to much) was now gone so my foundation was broken. This is exactly what this article talks about! See my dependence was not healthy and because of that I am not surprised that the relationship ended.

When I was 17 and my ex was 18 he got my name tattooed on his forearm, last night when he picked up the girls I saw he got it covered up, with a zombie type face!! I find this so funny because for me it symbolizes the Megan he tattooed on his arm is dead, when he left me he took that women with him and good riddance!!

When I was 17 I wanted a Prince Charming someone to come in and save me, now I just want someone to live life with and when I mess up someone to support me in fixing it not fixing it for me.

And guys, please, please, please do not save every damsel in distress, it really does not help her!

Here is the link to the article if you are interested in reading it:

http://elitedaily.com/dating/woman-love-want-not-need/921426/?utm_source=huffingtonpost.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=pubexchange_facebook