Long term affects of bad parenting

As my girls are getting older I find myself worrying about the long term effects of having a father that is not active in their life. He choses when he wants to be apart of it and that takes a tremendous toll on their mental health. This actually brings be back to a post I made right when I was going through the divorce Dads where are you? At the time writing this, I was hopeful that my girls dad would actually see them at least once a week. Today he hasn’t seen them since Jan 1st (to be that hopeful woman again….) In the post I mentioned that most children grow up without their dad and unfortunately my girls are falling into that statistic.

Recently I have needed to block their Father from my oldest daughter’s phone, this was because the conversations they were having with their dad was not healthy for their mental health. Once off the phone there was crying and distress that I had to combat and comfort. I was frank with him and told him that he could still speak with them but it had to be through my phone or my husbands and I would monitor the conversation to make sure if they were getting upset I would immediately end it. Ugh, so much fun…..

But for now they are happy and I will count my blessings, they have a Step-Dad who loves them like his own and 2 little brothers who are mirror imagines of their big sisters! When you have children you know that you can’t protect them from everything but I never thought I would have to protect them from their own father.

Yup letting them cut his hair

So it continues

Well I wish I could say things are better, however they are not. I am writing this post knowing my ex will see it as he confirmed (through one of our children) that he does check this blog. But it will not deter me, he is claiming that no abuse happened, honestly I could care less what he thinks.

Last night everything blew up, he stated he would not take our children anymore and called me names I would of never thought he would say to me (yeah no abuse 🙄).

But me and my girls will be fine. My husband is our rock and will be the dad my girls deserve.

I hope my ex is okay. And I do truly wish him the best. This will not be the end, just a bump in the middle.

Really? Divorce in Maryland

So I recently learned a few things about how to divorce in Maryland works and I am shocked.

In this state, the couple needs to be separated for one year before they can file for divorce (there is a new law that allows right away divorce) during this separation neither party is allowed to have any other romantic relationship. WHAT THE HELL?!?!

If they do they can be found guilty of ADULTERY!

This is seriously messed up. Now I am going to give a situation that is fictional:

Lisa is married to Brian, there have been abusive tendencies before marriage (getting angry easily and always blaming the other person for wrongdoing) however, once the vows were said things took a turn for the worse. The abusive spouse now gets angry and hits the other person, they threaten them, and completely separate them from their friends and family. If the abused person is Lisa it will take her an average of 7 times to leave before she is finally gone for good. Now if the person is Brian well I couldn’t find any data on men leaving abusive relationships, so let’s just continue to go with an average of 7 years.

So it takes them 7 years to leave, now they have to wait 1 year to get a divorce?!?

Okay so Maryland does have a law that says if abuse happens divorce will be granted right away, but this requires the abused person to disclose all of this, which they may not be comfortable with, along with filing the proper police reports.

In my state NH, our motto is Live Free or Die, and this falls in line with divorce as well. I filed for divorce in Jan and I was officially divorced March 23rd of that year! And the process is crazy simple. You can even file for divorce and it will still get granted even if the other party does not want it.

Now in Maryland, if the other party wants to fight it the divorce will require being separated for 2 years! This is horrible for someone who is in am abusive relationship.

This law obviously needs to change, if I lived in this state you could be sure I would be standing up against it.

Maybe Maryland should take some notes from the Live Free or Die State that I call home.

Gaslighting

 

Gaslight “verb

gerund or present participle: gaslighting

1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity” (Dictionary.com)

This is a new term to me, but one that rings so true for my life. My ex-husband would (and still does) do this to me all the time. To the point, my lawyer even asked why my ex was “trying to rewrite history?”.

As you know, I just ended a two-year court case of trying to update my parenting plan as well as get updated child support. My ex does pay me support, and he needed to submit some documents to my lawyer that showed his income. Well, the documents didn’t line up with what the verbal salary was, so my lawyer looked for an explanation. We did eventually receive one (a year later), and it made sense.

Now to explain the rewrite history comment. Before my divorce, I had a great relationship with my Mother in law (now ex), even after the divorce, we still talked, and I took the girls to visit her for a week! After that trip, radio silence began. I called texted, sent flowers and cards to no response. I was not sure what I did!

Well, fast forward two years, and I now know!!! My ex told my Mother in law that I was going to subpoena her for hiding money (he works for her company), and he ordered her to not talk to me. He told her it was either him or me; she could not have a relationship with both of us (just a tad controlling).

Well, a few weeks ago he told me that he okayed his mom to start talking to me again (how nice of him…) I asked why she stopped, and he admitted to not letting her talk to me then said: also because of the threat to bring her to court the subpoena that I supposedly said I was going to do.

I was SO confused! I knew I never did that, but I called my lawyer the next day to make sure. Well, we never threatened to subpoena anyone! We didn’t even have a witness list! Which is why my lawyer said my ex is trying to rewrite history.

I almost believed this, I was livid at my lawyer for going behind my back, turns out it was all an attempt to gaslight me. How fucking crazy is that?!?

This is one of the many reasons I no longer want to communicate with my ex, I can’t do the crazy anymore.

I wonder how long it takes to believe a lie? Because when he texted me, it seemed like what he was saying was common knowledge. I think he honestly believes this happened and has even claimed to have proof through an email (but he refused to send that to me).

Maybe I am the crazy one, who knows?

 

 

Walking away and not looking back

1,948 days that is how many days have passed since my ex-husband left, and how many days I have let him control my emotions.

Well, today it is over.

It is amazing what happens when you leave a  bad situation, just because you are no longer in danger does not mean the anxiety is gone. Now my ex-husband was never physically abusive but he was mentally abusive, and to this day I have to co-parent with him.

Through the years he has lost control over me as I have transformed from the meek wife that he once had. This caused arguments because when he would lose his cool on me I called it out (he did not appreciate that).  Our communication was FAILING!

I finally asked my lawyer if my husband could speak with him instead of myself and he said yes and that he recommends it.

Well at first things were smooth and I didn’t have to implement that change but one day it took a turn for the worst. You can imagine that he did not like me telling him I would no longer communicate with him, but I did!

I know it is not a perfect solution but for now, it works.

How many new beginnings?

Everyday is a new day, with new challenges and triumphs. When we lay down at night the day is behind us, so why do we let it drag into the new day? I know I do this, when I have a fight with my ex I allow it to influence my next few days!

WHY?!?!

A new day means I can forget what was said and try to rewrite the narrative, turn a fight into an understanding. Obviously this is much easier said than done as I constantly fail at this.

There is so much emotion between two people after the divorce, but once those papers are signed, it is not about the couple anymore but the children. That is very difficult to remember.

I have the luxury of being 5 years out, remarried and having two more children, my crazy life with a family of 6 grounds me. I try my hardest to just speak to my ex about things concerning our children (I am not perfect with this).

So I think I will start to take each morning as a new beginning, the future is in front of me, and the past is already written.

If only it were as easy said as it is done…

Happy Sunday!

• 

Co-Parenting and Mental Illness

It has been 5 years since my divorce and my life has been great, yes there has been ups and downs but overall I wouldn’t change it. My ex has stayed (for the most part) in our girl’s lives. This means he has stayed in my life as well.

I am not sure if he has been formally diagnosed with mental illness but I see the signs in the conversations that I have with him. There are constant lies and distortion of the truth, and it seems like he actually believes these!

I have to do my best to go along with this as these lies are nothing that changes anything, the truth is obvious and confronting him on the lies is pointless. So I sit back and listen, respond, then explode to whoever is willing to listen.

I lived in fear for a long time, fear of how he would react, fear of being yelled at, fear of being threatened. I will no longer live in fear, this will be a place where I can get out my feelings and he can deal with it. He can accept his truth while I will accept the truth.

Now let me say even with the headache I get from dealing with him, he is a great dad and our girls love him. None of this has affected his parenting. This post is not about that it is about our co-parenting and the difficulty that is involved with it.

I hope he gets help, he is a good guy. I have seen it before and I know it is somewhere in there. But for now, I will have to stay quiet, to try not to rock the boat. (I think writing this is defeating this purpose but oh well!)