Divorce, New Beginning

How many new beginnings?

Everyday is a new day, with new challenges and triumphs. When we lay down at night the day is behind us, so why do we let it drag into the new day? I know I do this, when I have a fight with my ex I allow it to influence my next few days!

WHY?!?!

A new day means I can forget what was said and try to rewrite the narrative, turn a fight into an understanding. Obviously this is much easier said than done as I constantly fail at this.

There is so much emotion between two people after the divorce, but once those papers are signed, it is not about the couple anymore but the children. That is very difficult to remember.

I have the luxury of being 5 years out, remarried and having two more children, my crazy life with a family of 6 grounds me. I try my hardest to just speak to my ex about things concerning our children (I am not perfect with this).

So I think I will start to take each morning as a new beginning, the future is in front of me, and the past is already written.

If only it were as easy said as it is done…

Happy Sunday!

Divorce

Co-Parenting and Mental Illness

It has been 5 years since my divorce and my life has been great, yes there has been ups and downs but overall I wouldn’t change it. My ex has stayed (for the most part) in our girl’s lives. This means he has stayed in my life as well.

I am not sure if he has been formally diagnosed with mental illness but I see the signs in the conversations that I have with him. There are constant lies and distortion of the truth, and it seems like he actually believes these!

I have to do my best to go along with this as these lies are nothing that changes anything, the truth is obvious and confronting him on the lies is pointless. So I sit back and listen, respond, then explode to whoever is willing to listen.

I lived in fear for a long time, fear of how he would react, fear of being yelled at, fear of being threatened. I will no longer live in fear, this will be a place where I can get out my feelings and he can deal with it. He can accept his truth while I will accept the truth.

Now let me say even with the headache I get from dealing with him, he is a great dad and our girls love him. None of this has affected his parenting. This post is not about that it is about our co-parenting and the difficulty that is involved with it.

I hope he gets help, he is a good guy. I have seen it before and I know it is somewhere in there. But for now, I will have to stay quiet, to try not to rock the boat. (I think writing this is defeating this purpose but oh well!)

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Uncategorized

WOW!

 

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I am in shock, I completely forgot about this bog it was an argument with my ex that reminded me of it (he actually brought it up).

So I decided to visit and read what was going on a few years ago, and I will say I am very pleased. I remember the hard times well, but I remember the great times even more. Obviously, my ex and I still have a rocky relationship (he is still not pleased with this blog), but I have been married for 2 and a half years and along with my daughter who are now 9 and 11 I have two sons who are 14 months and 2 months! Life is crazy!

87795702_1345076132343011_4032605503577128960_oI will be graduating from college in May!!!!! All my hard work is finally paying off. Life is hectic as hell and I wish I could say things have stabilized with my daughter’s father but they not.

If anyone is reading this who is going through a break up please know that yes it sucks but one day it will be better the son will come out again and you will be able to laugh and smile as the pain becomes more bearable and then one day disappears.

I still hold onto the quote from the Sara Evans song “I know my heart won’t be the same but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay” My heart is not the same as it was before it has scars that are permanent but it is okay, these scars have made me into the women I am today and I am proud to be that women!

Thanks for visiting again!

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Hospital Stays

 

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I want to start this post by saying how lucky my family is when it comes to medical conditions and hospital stays, even though Faith has a critical congenital heart defect her hospital stays have been limited to surgeries and caths. Overall her health has been perfect and average, this past March (March 29th) she had an open heart surgery to replace the pulmonary valve that was put in when she was an infant. Though that surgery and hospital stay she was a rockstar! Only four days after open heart surgery she was discharged!! It is nothing short of amazing.

Now with her heart defect a sickness is always taken a little more serious, last week (12 days ago to be exact) she developed a fever, I brought her up to the pediatrician’s office, and they believed it was a viral infection that would clear up in a few days. Well a few days went by, and she was not improving so I called the cardiologist, he had the suspicion that she developed something called endocarditis which is an infection that traveled to her heart and attached to the new valve. This, of course, is very serious, so she was admitted to the hospital.

Well four days and multiple tests later they have dismissed endocarditis and any other major infection that stems from the surgery, and they think she has Lyme disease.

I am happy to have an answer finally, this time has been so hard on my family. My younger daughter is with my brother and his family and my husband is at work then comes to the hospital for a few hours then goes home to an empty house. Also, yesterday was my younger daughters birthday party which Faith and I could not attend.

Being in the hospital I have seen multiple kids run down a hallway saying “Mommy!!” because it is the first time they are seeing their mom for a few days, I have seen the pain in siblings eyes as they see their brother or sister with IV’s and attached to machines and they can’t understand whats going on. This is an emotion I saw in my daughter as she sat on Faith’s bed asking questions that no 7 year old should have to ask.

In the end, Faith has Lyme disease, she is now being treated and we are home and a complete family again. She will be on the antibiotic for 21 days but I know she will get better. This morning life is normal the girls are playing and fighting. This hospital stay was 5 days, it was hard but she is the strongest girl that I have ever met and she was a rock star.

Her mom, on the other hand, has a lot of healing to do…..

Faith, New Beginning, Uncategorized

Surgery is set

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Hi everyone, I wish I could be writing a happier post but now is not that time. My older daughter has Truncus Arteriosus (to learn more about her and her heart read this post).

Just to give a background, she was diagnosed when she was 7 days old and had her first open heart surgery at 11 days old, this surgery repaired her heart but it was not a permanent fix. The piece they placed in her heart does not grow with her body so naturally, this is what needs to be replaced. She has also had 2 heart Caths.

We usually see her cardiologist every 9 months or so to see how things are going, well we saw him in January and found out that it is time for her to have her replacement. So surgery is scheduled for the end of March, and along with the surgery, she will also have a cath.

Now I know nothing could ever prepare me for this, it’s just one of those things that you never want to happen. I have been in this position before, and with the experience, I know what to expect. I will tell you that no I am not ready for them to take her away from me, I am not ready for the update telling me she is cooled down and ready to go on bypass, I am not ready to hear that she is in fact on bypass. From this point forward I know that until I get the news that her body is warm and her heart is beating again, I will not be able to take a deep breath.

Then once the surgery is over, I have to prepare myself to see my daughter who loves horses and all animals, who is looking forward to her Make a Wish trip to Hawaii and
swimming with dolphins, lying in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her. She is such an amazing girl and to see her so helpless…………words just can’t describe.

What is new this time is that I now have my younger daughter, during this time she cannot get attention from me, she will be away from her mother and best friend, yes I will have family around her to support her, but it can’t be me, and this kills me.

I know once this is over I will be dolphin-heartgrateful to be on the other side of surgery, to know that we are set for a few more years. We will no longer be at the edge of our seat at every cardiology appointment, that I can’t wait for. But as for everything else, it could never happen, and I would be happy…

So if you see me, and I don’t look okay, know that I am not. I am in fact teetering on the edge of a breakdown, I am using all my energy to keep it together. But also know there is nothing that can be done, this is life, this is my life, this is my daughters’ lives, and now this is my Fiance’s life. We will all get through it, and it will hurt like hell, but there will be a brighter side.

Divorce, New Beginning, Single Mom

New Year

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I know for a lot of people 2016 was a hard year, even looking at the news we were surrounded by tragedy there was the Flint Michigan water crisis, (which is still going on) the Zika outbreak which caused Olympians to not compete in the games, the Ecuadorian earthquake and lets not forget Donald Trump trumpbecoming President Elect.

For me this year was awesome! It was officially the first year in 8 that I was not married (I was separated at the end of 2014, and the divorce was not final until 3/2015) and also the year that I would say goodbye to single life!!!

I know that I will look at these years and I will always look fondly at them, it was at this time that I realized just how much I can do. I saw that I am so much more than a wife and mom, I am a woman that has goals, and that has fought through adversity and won. I returned to school and got a new job that will help give me experience that will be vital once my degree is obtained.

I became comfortable with being a 20 something that was divorced and has 2 kids. A funny story with this actually had to do with my high school reunion. I was talking to a classmate and showed her a picture of the girls Aaron was with me, and after she had looked at the pictures, she gave me a concerned expression and said: ” I see you in them but no offense I do not see you (pointing at Aaron) at all.” You can imagine what our reaction was we both looked at each other and laughed! Then I replied “well that’s a good thing cause their not his! I have been married, had kids and divorced in 10 years, what have you been up to?”

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This has been a remarkable year, right now on my tree I have an ornament that is of three snowmen on a sleigh. I got this once my ex left, and it has three names, Mommy, Faith, and Becky. I will never get rid of this, and I am sure it will always hang on my tree, but next year I look forward to hanging another one (maybe right beside it) that has 4 (or maybe 5 😉 ) names on it. 🙂

 

Happy New year I hope your 2017 is extraordinary!!!!!

New Beginning, Uncategorized

Finding love

About 2 years ago my life was just being put back together, I was coming out of the darkness that my divorce caused. By the end of January of that year I was healed and ready to move on. Now, this did not mean I was ready to date, but it did mean I was ready to live my life, so one weekend when my children were with their dad, I called up an old friend. Now calling this person a friend is using the term loosely, the connection is hard but give me a minute to explain this…

Okay so this person is Aaron

My ex-mother-in-law was in her 4th marriage when I got married, she married a man named Dale and Dale has triplets that are my age and a younger child (who I think is 5 years younger) so for a time Dale’s children were my step siblings in-laws.

When I was pregnant with Faith, Dale’s daughter (one of the triplets) began dating Aaron. I actually met him for the first time when I was 36 weeks expecting!

They dated for about 4 years and broke up when Becky was around 1, in this time we would talk and were friendly but nothing more (we were both in love and in committed

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Faith playing with Uncle Aaron

relationships) Faith actually called him Uncle Aaron!

 

Fast forward 2 years and I was at a gas station filling up when I saw someone I recognized at another pump, it was Aaron. Now, my looks had changed since he had last seen me, the baby weight was gone and really he only knew me when I was either pregnant or postpartum. I was excited to see him after so long so I went over and he didn’t even recognize me! We talked and I invited him to dinner so we all (myself, my ex-husband and himself) could catch up. This dinner never happened and in retrospect, it’s probably a good thing 😉 .

Now fast forward another 2 years I knew he was living in the area and really I just wanted to go out one night. I called him to see if he was available and we talked for 2 hours and decided to meet that weekend for “a girls night out”. Well, to say the least, that night did not turn out to be a girls night out it was in fact, our first date. From there, our relationship slowly grew (of course we began dating right before my ex-husband took his 1st month long hiatus) so we had to take things slow. The beginning was hard and I relied on family and friends to watch the girls for me so we could see each other, and in this first month, I think we saw each other a whopping 3 times!!

But regardless of the time, we spent together our relationship continued to grow and then the weekend of Mother’s day 2015 he met the girls for the first time!

Since that point, things have just gone up and this past September he proposed and I said yes!!

The wedding is scheduled for June and we are all so happy, the girls love him and so do I. I am thankful that he is in our life and am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

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