Gaslighting

 

Gaslight “verb

gerund or present participle: gaslighting

1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity” (Dictionary.com)

This is a new term to me, but one that rings so true for my life. My ex-husband would (and still does) do this to me all the time. To the point, my lawyer even asked why my ex was “trying to rewrite history?”.

As you know, I just ended a two-year court case of trying to update my parenting plan as well as get updated child support. My ex does pay me support, and he needed to submit some documents to my lawyer that showed his income. Well, the documents didn’t line up with what the verbal salary was, so my lawyer looked for an explanation. We did eventually receive one (a year later), and it made sense.

Now to explain the rewrite history comment. Before my divorce, I had a great relationship with my Mother in law (now ex), even after the divorce, we still talked, and I took the girls to visit her for a week! After that trip, radio silence began. I called texted, sent flowers and cards to no response. I was not sure what I did!

Well, fast forward two years, and I now know!!! My ex told my Mother in law that I was going to subpoena her for hiding money (he works for her company), and he ordered her to not talk to me. He told her it was either him or me; she could not have a relationship with both of us (just a tad controlling).

Well, a few weeks ago he told me that he okayed his mom to start talking to me again (how nice of him…) I asked why she stopped, and he admitted to not letting her talk to me then said: also because of the threat to bring her to court the subpoena that I supposedly said I was going to do.

I was SO confused! I knew I never did that, but I called my lawyer the next day to make sure. Well, we never threatened to subpoena anyone! We didn’t even have a witness list! Which is why my lawyer said my ex is trying to rewrite history.

I almost believed this, I was livid at my lawyer for going behind my back, turns out it was all an attempt to gaslight me. How fucking crazy is that?!?

This is one of the many reasons I no longer want to communicate with my ex, I can’t do the crazy anymore.

I wonder how long it takes to believe a lie? Because when he texted me, it seemed like what he was saying was common knowledge. I think he honestly believes this happened and has even claimed to have proof through an email (but he refused to send that to me).

Maybe I am the crazy one, who knows?

 

 

Walking away and not looking back

1,948 days that is how many days have passed since my ex-husband left, and how many days I have let him control my emotions.

Well, today it is over.

It is amazing what happens when you leave a  bad situation, just because you are no longer in danger does not mean the anxiety is gone. Now my ex-husband was never physically abusive but he was mentally abusive, and to this day I have to co-parent with him.

Through the years he has lost control over me as I have transformed from the meek wife that he once had. This caused arguments because when he would lose his cool on me I called it out (he did not appreciate that).  Our communication was FAILING!

I finally asked my lawyer if my husband could speak with him instead of myself and he said yes and that he recommends it.

Well at first things were smooth and I didn’t have to implement that change but one day it took a turn for the worst. You can imagine that he did not like me telling him I would no longer communicate with him, but I did!

I know it is not a perfect solution but for now, it works.

How many new beginnings?

Everyday is a new day, with new challenges and triumphs. When we lay down at night the day is behind us, so why do we let it drag into the new day? I know I do this, when I have a fight with my ex I allow it to influence my next few days!

WHY?!?!

A new day means I can forget what was said and try to rewrite the narrative, turn a fight into an understanding. Obviously this is much easier said than done as I constantly fail at this.

There is so much emotion between two people after the divorce, but once those papers are signed, it is not about the couple anymore but the children. That is very difficult to remember.

I have the luxury of being 5 years out, remarried and having two more children, my crazy life with a family of 6 grounds me. I try my hardest to just speak to my ex about things concerning our children (I am not perfect with this).

So I think I will start to take each morning as a new beginning, the future is in front of me, and the past is already written.

If only it were as easy said as it is done…

Happy Sunday!

• 

Co-Parenting and Mental Illness

It has been 5 years since my divorce and my life has been great, yes there has been ups and downs but overall I wouldn’t change it. My ex has stayed (for the most part) in our girl’s lives. This means he has stayed in my life as well.

I am not sure if he has been formally diagnosed with mental illness but I see the signs in the conversations that I have with him. There are constant lies and distortion of the truth, and it seems like he actually believes these!

I have to do my best to go along with this as these lies are nothing that changes anything, the truth is obvious and confronting him on the lies is pointless. So I sit back and listen, respond, then explode to whoever is willing to listen.

I lived in fear for a long time, fear of how he would react, fear of being yelled at, fear of being threatened. I will no longer live in fear, this will be a place where I can get out my feelings and he can deal with it. He can accept his truth while I will accept the truth.

Now let me say even with the headache I get from dealing with him, he is a great dad and our girls love him. None of this has affected his parenting. This post is not about that it is about our co-parenting and the difficulty that is involved with it.

I hope he gets help, he is a good guy. I have seen it before and I know it is somewhere in there. But for now, I will have to stay quiet, to try not to rock the boat. (I think writing this is defeating this purpose but oh well!)

 

WOW!

 

I am in shock, I completely forgot about this bog it was an argument with my ex that reminded me of it (he actually brought it up).

So I decided to visit and read what was going on a few years ago, and I will say I am very pleased. I remember the hard times well, but I remember the great times even more. Obviously, my ex and I still have a rocky relationship (he is still not pleased with this blog), but I have been married for 2 and a half years and along with my daughter who are now 9 and 11 I have two sons who are 14 months and 2 months! Life is crazy!

I will be graduating from college in May!!!!! All my hard work is finally paying off. Life is hectic as hell and I wish I could say things have stabilized with my daughter’s father but they not.

If anyone is reading this who is going through a break up please know that yes it sucks but one day it will be better the son will come out again and you will be able to laugh and smile as the pain becomes more bearable and then one day disappears.

I still hold onto the quote from the Sara Evans song “I know my heart won’t be the same but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay” My heart is not the same as it was before it has scars that are permanent but it is okay, these scars have made me into the women I am today and I am proud to be that women!

Thanks for visiting again!

Hospital Stays

 

I want to start this post by saying how lucky my family is when it comes to medical conditions and hospital stays, even though Faith has a critical congenital heart defect her hospital stays have been limited to surgeries and caths. Overall her health has been perfect and average, this past March (March 29th) she had an open heart surgery to replace the pulmonary valve that was put in when she was an infant. Though that surgery and hospital stay she was a rockstar! Only four days after open heart surgery she was discharged!! It is nothing short of amazing.

Now with her heart defect a sickness is always taken a little more serious, last week (12 days ago to be exact) she developed a fever, I brought her up to the pediatrician’s office, and they believed it was a viral infection that would clear up in a few days. Well a few days went by, and she was not improving so I called the cardiologist, he had the suspicion that she developed something called endocarditis which is an infection that traveled to her heart and attached to the new valve. This, of course, is very serious, so she was admitted to the hospital.

Well four days and multiple tests later they have dismissed endocarditis and any other major infection that stems from the surgery, and they think she has Lyme disease.

I am happy to have an answer finally, this time has been so hard on my family. My younger daughter is with my brother and his family and my husband is at work then comes to the hospital for a few hours then goes home to an empty house. Also, yesterday was my younger daughters birthday party which Faith and I could not attend.

Being in the hospital I have seen multiple kids run down a hallway saying “Mommy!!” because it is the first time they are seeing their mom for a few days, I have seen the pain in siblings eyes as they see their brother or sister with IV’s and attached to machines and they can’t understand whats going on. This is an emotion I saw in my daughter as she sat on Faith’s bed asking questions that no 7 year old should have to ask.

In the end, Faith has Lyme disease, she is now being treated and we are home and a complete family again. She will be on the antibiotic for 21 days but I know she will get better. This morning life is normal the girls are playing and fighting. This hospital stay was 5 days, it was hard but she is the strongest girl that I have ever met and she was a rock star.

Her mom, on the other hand, has a lot of healing to do…..

Surgery is set

Hi everyone, I wish I could be writing a happier post but now is not that time. My older daughter has Truncus Arteriosus (to learn more about her and her heart read this post).

Just to give a background, she was diagnosed when she was 7 days old and had her first open heart surgery at 11 days old, this surgery repaired her heart but it was not a permanent fix. The piece they placed in her heart does not grow with her body so naturally, this is what needs to be replaced. She has also had 2 heart Caths.

We usually see her cardiologist every 9 months or so to see how things are going, well we saw him in January and found out that it is time for her to have her replacement. So surgery is scheduled for the end of March, and along with the surgery, she will also have a cath.

Now I know nothing could ever prepare me for this, it’s just one of those things that you never want to happen. I have been in this position before, and with the experience, I know what to expect. I will tell you that no I am not ready for them to take her away from me, I am not ready for the update telling me she is cooled down and ready to go on bypass, I am not ready to hear that she is in fact on bypass. From this point forward I know that until I get the news that her body is warm and her heart is beating again, I will not be able to take a deep breath.

Then once the surgery is over, I have to prepare myself to see my daughter who loves horses and all animals, who is looking forward to her Make a Wish trip to Hawaii and
swimming with dolphins, lying in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for her. She is such an amazing girl and to see her so helpless…………words just can’t describe.

What is new this time is that I now have my younger daughter, during this time she cannot get attention from me, she will be away from her mother and best friend, yes I will have family around her to support her, but it can’t be me, and this kills me.

I know once this is over I will be grateful to be on the other side of surgery, to know that we are set for a few more years. We will no longer be at the edge of our seat at every cardiology appointment, that I can’t wait for. But as for everything else, it could never happen, and I would be happy…

So if you see me, and I don’t look okay, know that I am not. I am in fact teetering on the edge of a breakdown, I am using all my energy to keep it together. But also know there is nothing that can be done, this is life, this is my life, this is my daughters’ lives, and now this is my Fiance’s life. We will all get through it, and it will hurt like hell, but there will be a brighter side.